My Valedictorian/Senior Speech

Found something I wrote a few years ago while cleaning out my computer. It was supposed to be for the senior speech given in front of our graduating high school class, but of course it didn't get administrator approval and only a handful of people ever got the opportunity to hear me give it. Thought I'd share rather than let it collect dust. Maybe you'll find some inspiration in it.

Spoiler

Good morning both worthy and not-so-worthy members of society – my fellow peers, parents, teachers, administrators, and any bonafide stalkers who are unable to resist my dashing good looks.

Since the day I was born, it has always been a big dream of mine to give a speech in front of a large crowd of uncaring adolescents. But you more than likely didn’t know about this dream because, well, it simply isn’t true. As the philosopher Andy Samberg once eloquently stated, “I just lied to your face… like a boss.” But just like FOX News, let’s ignore all of these previously stated facts.

At this time I ask that everyone makes sure that their mobile devices are turned off as playing Words with Friends with the captain will significantly increase the level of turbulence during this speech. Additionally, in the event of a loss in cabin pressure, an oxygen mask should automatically appear in front of you. If it does not, make sure to steal your neighbors because remember in the dog-eat-dog world of reality, only the fittest will survive. Finally, in case this speech takes a nosedive and lands in one of our many large ponds, don’t forget that any of the many state champion swimmers in this room can also be used as a flotation device.

With that we are now ready to take our extremely expensive journey funded by your parents’ generous taxpayer money back through the intricate space-time continuum.

So everything started with a big bang… it was a Thursday night and I was watching the Big Bang Theory on CBS. Leonard and Sheldon were hilariously discussing the quantum physics principle known as Schrodinger’s cat. It was then when it dawned on me that in the short period of time known as my life, I had yet to make a single important decision. I feared the negative consequences and wanted to avoid making any mistakes. But eventually I began to realize that just like Schrodinger’s cat, the consequences of a tough decision could either be good or bad. It would not be until I made that final choice when I would at last know the results.

To this point in our lives, almost all of our decisions have been either easy or made for us. What should I eat? Which classes should I take? Is sleep even worth it? Who should I stalk next on Facebook? Will listening to that little gecko with the sophisticated accent really save me 15% on my car insurance? And if one train leaves Chicago traveling at an initial velocity of 100 mph in an eastward direction while another train leaves New York traveling at an initial velocity of 150 mph in a westward direction, should I warn either engineer that a truck full of little blind kittens has stalled on the railway in between the two cities?

For eighteen long years, simple questions like these have filled our lives, but at last we’ve finally made it to the first major crossroad - life after high school.

“Race to the finish” was a phrase that we heard far too often over the past four years, but today despite our broken bones, amputated limbs, and complete lack of any remaining motivation, I am happy to say that we’ve finally succeeded in completing our high school objectives by hiring Sparknotes employees to give us complementary rides to the finish line.

But now standing before an area with infinite paths and possibilities, what should you expect next?

Given my extensive experience in looking up these questions on Google, I have compiled three pieces of advice that given your deteriorating brains due to YOLO, almost nobody in the room will remember by tomorrow.

But regardless… firstly, don’t be afraid to try new things. Always give things a chance. Until you have first-hand knowledge or experience, you will always question yourself. Take for instance, heroin. There are some awful preconceptions about heroin, but given that the majority of critics have never tried it themselves, their opinions automatically hold lesser weight. If they were to just try it once, and then criticize it as the highly addictive and rapidly acting opiate that could turn you into the horrific being that is today’s Lindsey Lohan, then their opinion would hold greater weight. That is how most things in life work. Always experience life before you judge the surprises that it may bring.

Secondly, there IS such a thing as too much of a good thing. If you limit yourself to only a few options, then they can easily turn around and backfire on you. You always want to keep your life exciting and varied. Don’t allow it to be brought down by repeating the same things over and over again. Take for instance, heroin. At first you may be like “I’ll just try one heroin. Just give me one heroin please.” But after you try it once, for some odd reason you decide that you really like it, so you try another and another and another. After a while, you’re dead. That’s when you know that you’ve probably had too much heroin. Do the little things in life to keep it interesting, but be responsible. Don’t limit yourself and remember that variety in life is always the best.

Finally, passion is the key to happiness. As long as you remain passionate about life, happiness will find its way to you. Keep looking until you find that one thing you love. Take for instance, heroines. It may take you years to find that perfect feminine hero, but once you’ve found her, it will without a doubt be the greatest moment of your life. You know that you’ll be together forever – in other words an anti-Kardashian. But as the most interesting man in the world says… Stay thirsty my friends. Passion isn’t something that is easy to find. It cannot simply be bought. The search may be tough at times but once you have that passion, nobody can ever take it away from you. Remember that only you can control your own happiness.

With that our four year journey is now over. Ladies and gentlemen welcome to the next stage of life. Given the consistency of our weather, it’s probably a cool 13o outside with blizzard-like conditions – something that I know we all would have appreciated a bit earlier this year.

But regardless wherever life may take you next, I’m happy to say that I have sincerely enjoyed sharing the past four years with all of you. Whether you know me as a friend, or don’t know me at all, my hope is that you have at least taken something away this speech. If not, well, I hope that you were at least entertained for a few minutes by my brilliant use of diction, syntax, and literary devices.

But don’t let my genius fool you. I’m sure that the Class of 2013 will have a dandy time annotating this speech next year with the wonderful Mrs. Eagleton. Class of 2012, today your high school experience may be coming to a close, but the next stage in your life is just beginning. However, I would warn you to hurry and play with it before the world ends this December. Wherever you may be and whatever you may be doing next year, play on. Play on Class of 2012. Play on.

 

I work for a company that makes/sells drugs. Remember to buy lots of Plan B the next time you are at your local pharmacy!

http://www.planbonestep.com

 

I pushed the envelope too far by making fun of FOX News