Farewell

Hey guys I just got to quit this game......my irl life has gotten so miserable it is unbearable...i am so broke the other day I tried to put $10 of gas in my truck and got declined...today I tried to buy some catfood and like and apple and an orange and like a case of water and like got declined....I mean I put the water bottle case back and was fine but i mean it's not just that! Everyday is a struggle to keep my sanity with this god forsaken bipolar disorder curse i've been born with...I have been hospitalized 7 times and been on so many medications that it has fried my mind,,,,,,,a week ago i was out walking my dog arround the farm and we got out into the middle of this field and like......I heard laughing beside me....pretty loud too....something someone laughing..never thought I would be hearing voices and shit....but its not just that like I am starting to see things out of the corner of my eye just run by......anyways talking to psychiatrists is a waste of time because they always try to dope me up on some pills and yeah talk about my 1st world problems! I hate how the world is so fucked and do little about it! Fucking today I was driving home after my martial art class and my car ran out of gas and I had to jog 15 minutes down this dirt road....like 15 minutes isnt that bad but it could have been much worse but im so broke and had to borrow money from my mom........i feel like such a loser.......anyways start back at my old job doing some landscaping soon and i think thats the change i need. But everyday I wake up it feels like my head is underwater and colors look dulled and it feels like my spirit is on fire! I haven't slept good in 2 months cause i have this 20 year old cat who always wakes me up at 4:30am for water but she already has water........I have 5 cats and a dog and i also look after the neighbours dog and it is alot to deal with but I can't bail! I will never bail! Sometimes I will shower get dressed and leave the house to find that my cat has pissed on my clothes and I smell like cat piss........it is so depressing you dont even know............from a very early age I have always been very sensitive and aware of the problems in the world/society and it eats me alive man! It fucking kills me ..... dont have that switch to turn it off! What I do is I always help my friends and family but it reqlly seems like I am being taken advantage of........anyways, I'm kind of sorry for being such an asshole like 50/50 kind of meh sorry, it is because i am so miserable and am tired of trying to mop up myself with myself that I say shit to myself that is hurtful to inflict pain and forget/sometimes don't care that others can't take that or whatever!

Anyways c ya

 

Thx guys! I talked to my old boss and I got my old job still so like in 3 to 5 weeks i start and im sure it will all turn arround for the better then! That runners high you get from excercise and landscaping is real physical cancels out this deep melancholy that pervades me lol. I will have enough money for beer too so that will help ahahahahaha! later guys