[Guide] How to make friends!

Feeling lonely? Looking for a pal to hang out with but you have none, or all your existing ones are noobs/lame/people like NSFW/Noods? Then this guide is for YOU! Learn how to acquire that new lifelong friend you've always been dreaming of!



1. Find one (or more, you kinky lil thing, you) people you wanna be friends with (PRO-TIP: Don't pick Cozie)

2. Arrange a meet-up/date/whatever, you have to meet them IN PERSON. (No seriously, don't try it on Cozie)

3. Tie them up and bring them home.

4. Keep them in your basement and feed them everyday, be nice to them, tell them jokes etc. Do all the usual friend stuff. Ignore any protests or cries for help etc, it's just a phase they're going through.

5. Repeat Step 4 for a variable amount of time, could takes months. Eventually, Stockholm Syndrome will kick in and they will bond with you. If not, feel free to kick them in encouragement once a day.

6. Once your targets have formed a good relationship by force, repeat Step 4 for 7 more years. They say friendships that last at least 7 years are almost guaranteed to last a lifetime.

7. Release your captives and enjoy your new BFF(s)!



Bonus: Don't forget to ask (and by ask I mean demand) them to add you on Facebook so you become Mr/Ms Popular overnight (or rather, over-2600-nights give or take).

Best results guaranteed (unless you picked Cozie like I told you not to. Will magically vanish from your basement before ritual can be completed).

Proven to work by many other captors around the world. Results well documented online. Plz upvote and make the world a friendlier place.

 

See this is why you're categorised as that kind of friend.

 

That lifeless stare when he sits beside you, and the hairs that remain on his head after 7 years of malnutrition and stress says it all