Guan Yunchang's World Tour Diary

If you'd like to view this diary in its original format, check out my personal website, Taimazone! (Currently under construction )​

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Chapter 1: The Oath of the Mushroom Garden​

False Starts, Disorganized Brains​

Welcome to my first attempt at a Maple journal! I’ve wanted to do this sort of thing for a long time, but never knew where to start. You may know my perma-Beginner, Taima, or any of my [insert exaggerated number here] characters, most of which both odd jobs AND are members of the guild, Oddjobs. I can be pretty disorganized and jump from character to character, but here and now I’m hoping to commit to a new challenge!

Over the past several months, I’ve been working on and off creating some resources for a World Tour-themed area-lock challenge, very creatively called the World Tour Challenge. The idea is to enter Spinel’s World Tour at level 10, and then (almost) never leave. This challenge includes the combined areas of Japan, Shanghai, Shaolin Temple, and Thailand. It does not include Malaysia, Masteria, Singapore, or Taiwan – for several reasons which I won’t list here yet. That’s not to say that these areas can’t later be added into this version of “World Tour Lock” that I’ve concocted.

For now, we are going to keep the challenge simple and interconnected within the Maple Travel Agency’s tour offerings. Much of the content cut out from this challenge may make no sense to others, and there are a lot of content tidbits forgotten about or not fully thought up in this version of World Tour Lock. I readily admit that more changes to the rules are needed. Please, give me your suggestions and criticism.

For a look at another version of a World Tour Challenge completely unaffiliated with this one, check out Game Challenge: World Tour™ over on MapleRoyals! It’s seriously cool to see another group start up this challenge too. Their rules for starting the World Tour Challenge seem a bit more forgiving, and probably make more sense. But here on MapleLegends, we are all about not making sense, celebrating Valentine’s Day on February 20th, Anniversary any time from July to December (the server was started on April 1st for a reason), and Christmas fucking never I guess. And that’s just how we love it.

I’ve had a couple false starts with this challenge; the longest lived attempt was a perma-Thief by the name of tousouchuu. I noticed pretty quickly that I just really, really don’t want to HP wash as hard as I was trying to! She was having a hard time killing lower level Floating Market and Mushroom Shrine enemies with painfully slow increases in damage output.

Sad tousouchuu​

Instead of pushing through the pain, I quit her for a few months. Now I’ve decided to return to the World Tour, bringing back a legendary warrior some may already know of…

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The Lady of the Magnificent Beard​

Some of you may be familiar with Guan Yu, style name Yunchang (? CE〜220 CE), a legendary and deified historical figure known for his honorable nature and exploits during the fall of the Han dynasty of China.

Original Guan Yu​

I won’t pretend to actually know much of anything about Chinese history, but as a Romance of the Three Kingdoms fan, I’ve always found Guan Yu’s fictionalized story and depictions in media to be strikingly cool. Given that many “legendary” (probably not real at all) items from this time period exist within MapleStory and can be found within the World Tour, I’ve decided to create my new character project based off of the Lord of the Magnificent Beard himself.

To start with the World Tour Challenge, Yunchang will be avoiding quests on Maple Island, instead trying to gain EXP and Mesos for Spinel’s travel fare when the time comes.

And thus, the humble beginnings…​

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The Oath of the Mushroom Garden​

Looking constipated and unhappy to be brought forth into an unfamiliar plane, our rather beardless hero sets off into the Maple World!

Constipated Yunchang​

(Constipation Meter: Medium)​

Poopoo Bar 47%​

Yunchang gets her first taste of blood on helpless Tutorial mobs.

Training Camp​

Yunchang gets many Snail card drops… that she cannot pick up. There will be a lot of unwanted cards coming up.

Too Many Snail Cards​

With the Snail population successfully culled, Yunchang moves deeper into the forest. Spores drift through the air as Yunchang settles down for a brief respite.

As her vision fades and her head becomes cloudy, she finds herself transported to an old memory, as Lord Liu Bei spoke thusly:

O Heaven above and Earth below,
O Sun, O Moon, and all creation:
Today, we – Liu Bei, Guan Yu, and Zhang Fei –
swear brotherhood in this Mushroom Garden.
We will grind together as one,
sharing weal and woe for the rest of our lives.
We swear to serve the server and save the playerbase.
We ask not for the same day of character creation,
but we hope to quit on the same day.
May Kimberly bear witness to our utmost and immutable sincerity.​

Oath of the Mushroom Garden​

That day, the foundation of Maple Island itself shook at the sincerity of our hero in her hallucinatory state.

Sadly, Yunchang will never obtain Pio’s “The Relaxer” – she’ll have to make due with sitting at local benches.

Yunchang realizes that she’ll need lots of Mesos to support herself in this doggy dog world. The residents of Maple Island assure her that the crates in town have free Mesos and potions, and will re-appear infinitely if broken. She collects some dosh for her travel fare off Maple Island. During the search, she also chances upon some NX cash!

Breaking Wooden Boxes and NX Cash​

Yunchang avoids death by Mush Pit. Truly, this place is hellish.

Avoiding Death by Mush Pit​

Yunchang sells her stash of respawning wooden crate stuff. Finally, this seems like enough Mesos to live on for a few weeks. Let’s get off this stinky island! Away we go!

Leaving Maple Island​

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A Fresh Start?​

Feeling startled by the loud sound and glow of this weird fucking lightbulb thing, she avoids the Monster Researcher desperately trying to call for her attention. Yunchang has street smarts, and knows not to make direct eye contact with anyone who heckles new arrivals fresh off the boat.

Avoiding the Monster Book Ring​

Yunchang finds herself on yet another hostile island. A land of grey crags…

Grey Crags​

archtrees…

Archtrees​

and everlasting snails.

Everlasting Snails​

She clears the monsters in her way, carving a path to the next town.

Path to Henesys​

This strange woman seems to appear in every town. Yunchang senses something supernatural about her and thinks she’s kind of cute, so decides to chat her up for a moment. It appears that she can take Yunchang on a trip back to the real world.

Supernatural Woman​

But before she can take the ship, Yunchang must do something about her worsening bowel cramps.

Relaxing at the Park​

Yunchang finds a peaceful park, and gathers her strength for the tough road ahead. She decides to meet with some of the masters in the area, hoping to get her bearings. She meets with a wiseman in the treetop village.

A Meeting with the Wiseman​

…But he considers Yunchang too unintelligent to be of any use, and points her in the direction of a local master of the Art of War.

Yunchang apologizes for her lack of talent. Performing a deep prostration, she is welcomed into the service of Dances with Balrog. Haaaaaap!

In Service of Dances with Balrog​

Yunchang is given a cheap “sword” with the Fisher-Price tag still attached, and is told to cut wood from the living, growling Stumps.

Fisher-Price Beginner Sword​

In dismay at the lack of useful instruction, she takes her leave, trudging into the wilderness until she comes across a city bellowing with polluted fumes.

After drowning her sorrows in liquor and gambling at the Fusion Jazz Bar, Yunchang is able to relieve herself in the unisex bathroom. Given her mental state, Yunchang cares little about the lack of privacy. At last, the bowel cramps have subsided.

Sweet, Sweet Relief​

Shocked by the screams of protest from the Drug Lord beneath the squat toilet, she realizes she’s got to get out of town, and fast. Yunchang approaches the supernatural woman who seems to be everywhere at once. Gathering her remaining savings, she asks the strange woman, whose street name is “Spinel,” for the cheapest fare out of town.

Yunchang at this point is so destitute that she must pay with every item she owns, including the clothes on her back. She is permitted to keep only her Fisher-Price plastic sword (for ages 3 and up). She looks no different from the common beggars hanging around the sewers.

Sayonara, Victoria Island!​

While relieved to no longer be in Maple World, Yunchang can’t help but feel she’s made a mistake. Peering at this ramshackle village on the water and cursing herself for her bad decisions, she soldiers on, beginning her new life.

Fear and Loathing in Thailand​

Is Yunchang capable of surviving and building a life from scratch? Will she ever find her brothers, Liu Bei and Zhang Fei, and restore the Han Dynasty to its former glory? How can she stop her intestinal distress from coming back to haunt her?​

Find out next time on GUAN YUNCHANG’S WORLD TOUR DIARY!​

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Yunchang’s List of Restrictions (エロイ) [Yunchang’s LORE]​

A little more on Yunchang’s restrictions before we wrap this one up!

These restrictions will be followed in addition to all those present in the World Tour Challenge Rules. This is all subject to change, if that makes the challenge more interesting or fun. We’ll keep you up to date if they DO change.

- Ironman: Yunchang may not trade with any other character, transfer items from any other character, pick up items owned by any other character, or party with any other character.
- Slow Travel: Yunchang must pick one area of Spinel’s World Tour in which she must stay for a real time period of three days. This wait period begins as soon as she enters a World Tour area. Each server reset (00:00 server time) subtracts one whole day from the wait period, regardless of if Yunchang has logged in or not. If an exception requires leaving the World Tour, even briefly, she may choose any area to return to. A fresh 3 day wait period begins anew as soon as she re-enters a World Tour area. Spinel offers four distinct areas of travel, which are Japan, Shanghai, Shaolin Temple, and Thailand. Spinel offers two Thailand destinations, but these areas are linked and are thus counted together as “Thailand.”
- No Vote: Yunchang may not receive vote NX on her MapleLegends account, not from red Kimmy or blue Kimmy. NX may only be obtained through monster drops or (much less likely) event rewards, if an exception allows Yunchang to participate.
- No FM/CS/Channel Hop Abuse: Yunchang must walk to a Free Market entrance in town to access the FM, and may not “abuse” Free Market, Cash Shop, or channel warping for faster travel. While FM/CS/Channel Hop “abuse” is hard to define, the purpose is to preserve the danger of maps that take long walks to access, make grinding as a slow Warrior just a bit harder in large maps, and eliminates the cheap feeling of “needing” to warp past maps to travel faster. Yunchang is permitted to AFK in the Cash Shop at any time.
- No Fap: Yunchang may not pleasure herself via masturbation, whether alone or in a party. This will increase her T levels and sperm count, allowing for stronger polearm swings and high fertility. For Yunchang, this is a most daunting restriction indeed.

Does this all seem too strict? Ironman gives me the most pause, though I’d like to try out the toughest restrictions I can think of! If it’s too much, these can be reverted later.

These restrictions are meant to limit Yunchang’s progression to only what she can achieve based on her own abilities as a warrior. The Slow Travel restriction simulates the “guided tour” aspect of the Maple Travel Agency, forcing long stays in each zone. This requires careful decision making without simply hopping between areas. My philosophy is that it’s simple to relax restrictions as time goes on, but impossible to impose tougher restrictions post-character creation (at least, not in good faith).

My hope is that these additional rules will add more depth to the World Tour theme and more nuance to the challenge, rather than feeling like needlessly annoying restrictions. Only time will tell.

Bai, nee~ ​

 

Check out my personal website, Taimazone, to see this post in its original format. If you're into that kind of thing. (Still under construction )​

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Chapter 2: Fear and Loathing in Thailand​

Thought we blew our load in the first post, did ya? NOPE, Guan Yu (girl version) is back again for a new diary entry! Let’s get started!

Along the River of Kings​

Of the three nations that Spinel can bring us to, Thailand – also known historically as Siam – is the one that I know the least about! With some incredibly low-effort and uninformed Wikipedia, travel website, and online map digging, we’re going to figure out…

Where exactly is Yunchang now? And what is a “floating market” anyway?

Apparently, it’s a place where you’re supposed to paddle around in a small boat and buy fresh produce from other people… also in boats.

Beep Beep! Heavy Traffic in Taling Chan Floating Market​

The floating market was a necessity of life in Siam for trade and survival, as most communities were built along the water. Floating markets had gone out of style for a long time, probably due to the lack of necessity thanks to industrialization and road building. Apparently, floating markets were absent from Bangkok until the late 1980s. Today, floating markets are a space for locals to preserve their traditional way of life, and are a booming tourist trap.

Let’s go ahead and guess that OUR Floating Market was one of those brought back in Bangkok after the late 1980s. The World Tour Floating Market has some signs of industrialization, from the ship Yunchang rode in on, to the tires scattered about, rotisserie, coolers, and of course the gigantic powered sign thing.

Who Is Funding This?​

There are many floating markets in Thailand, and only a few clues to guide our search. I’ll bet that someone more familiar with Thailand or who has visited Siam in ThailandMS may know better than me, and could correct me if I say anything stupid here!

The World Tour Floating Market features a walkable path through the wilderness directly to a walled Buddhist complex, known as the Golden Temple. I’ve come to think that the Golden Temple is a reference to Wat Phra Kaew, a Buddhist temple complex housing the Temple of the Emerald Buddha.

This super reliable source contains a small trivia piece which first led me to believe that the Golden Temple is based off of Wat Phra Kaew. This complex may be more accurately considered a chapel, as it does not have living quarters on site for the monks. The complex finished construction in 1784 and resides within the precincts of the Grand Palace in the historical center of Bangkok.

Let’s take a quick glance at a map of Bangkok, zoomed in on the Grand Palace!

Map of the Grand Palace​

Recognizable architectural features of Wat Phra Kaew that match with the Golden Temple are:

• The easily recognizable Phra Si Rattana Chedi; a golden bell-shaped stupa inside of which is a round hall containing many relics given to Rama IV
• Many giant guardian sculptures, one of which represents Ravana
• Several lion statues of different styles
• Low-lying surrounding walls with several entrances, though the colors do not match compared to our Golden Temple

Maybe we’ll show off some pictures of what these look like in real life in the far future, when Yunchang actually goes to the Golden Temple. For now, we’re just trying to create a reference point for the Floating Market’s possible location.

Given its walkable proximity to the center of Bangkok, our Floating Market is likely on the banks of the Chao Phraya River, one of its tributaries, or one of the many attached canals – this still doesn’t narrow the search much, given how huge the Chao Phraya River Basin really is.

There are many likely candidates, but I’ve chosen the two closest floating markets based on online maps for further consideration. Huge warning that this info is very imperfect due to my ignorance, I’m only using English resources, and the online maps used probably are not that accurate.

Bangkok Noi Water Market, located on Khlong Bangkok Noi (“Small Bangkok Canal”). Very close to Wat Phra Kaew!

• 4.3km (53 minute) walk from Wat Phra Kaew
• 2.5km (29 minute) combined ferry and walking travel

Walking to Bangkok Noi Water Market​

Taling Chan Floating Market, located on Khlong Chak Phra (“pulling the Buddha canal,” named after an annual Buddhist celebration).

• 7.8km (97 minute) walk from Wat Phra Kaew
• 6.5km (78 minute) combined ferry and walking travel

Walking to Taling Chan Floating Market​

It seems that part of the tourist appeal of Bangkok Noi Water Market lies in the several close-by temple sites, which were built ranging from 200 years before to a few decades after the construction of Wat Phra Kaew. But these temples aren’t visible in the World Tour Thailand area at all. It’s also a bit harder to dig up info on this floating market compared to the next candidate, so let’s keep looking just for fun.

Taling Chan Floating Market is open on weekends and public holidays only, from 8:30 to 16:00. From 11:00 to 14:00, there is a live traditional Thai music performance – kind of like this. Pretty reminiscent of Thailand’s background music, isn’t it? Fish, fruits, and vegetables are sold here from small boats on the canal. 1,000 years ago, the landscape of current-day Taling Chan district was a muddy mangrove forest, with no evidence of human settlement. This sounds a bit like the jungle forest areas outside of our Floating Market – not counting the human settlement!

Let’s be honest: neither of these floating markets’ extremely industrialized surroundings match that of the World Tour Floating Market. This was just a fun exercise. I’ll try to give other World Tour areas the same treatment, keeping in mind that these are all miniatures of real life areas, some of which are a slop of different time periods cobbled together right next to each other.

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Guan vs. Wild​

Yunchang is not welcome here.

The locals usually accept tourists with open arms, and offer a welcoming ritual for all to partake in. But Yunchang, unclothed and fully embracing the tropical climate, is met with stares of bewilderment, parents covering their childrens’ eyes, and at best, repetitive blinking from those with broken animations.

Pond and the Repetitive Blink​

Besides, Yunchang is without any Mesos to support herself. She continues by the local food sellers on the waterside.

As the pier lowers into the swamp, Yunchang splashes in the water for a moment, before feeling a sharp bite.

Danger in the Water​

Within the waters of the Brilliant Swamp are several freshwater varieties of pissed off fish. I’d want to ignorantly call these pirahnas, but pirahnas inhabit South America, and are rarely found elsewhere unless artificially introduced. What even are some of these, some variety of barracuda?

Yunchang receives a message from the Maple Administrator, yet another supernatural being, this one capable of transmitting messages far and wide. She hears the voice of her old master, Dances with Balrog – gaslighting her, playing down her abilities. Yunchang feels a renewed sense of vigor and begins training. Hard.

Yunchang Proves Her Old Master Wrong​

The frogs of Thailand seem to have razor sharp teeth with a nasty bite. Yunchang takes about four times the damage from the frogs as she does from the not-pirahnas! However, she has no choice but to keep fighting for survival, hoping to score SOMETHING to wear. She bites into some chewy raw frog legs, and continues on.

Finally having recovered enough strength, she can comfortably wipe out the chickens on the muddy embankment as well. Finally, something else to eat.

Yunchang scores a sweet Wooden Baseball Bat! She tucks away her plastic toy sword and is ready to smack away at some more wildlife.

Yunchang Finds a Wooden Baseball Bat​

She finds a pair of shoes from the saber-toothed froggers, but they aren’t her size. Useless! She stashes them away to sell later. While snacking on some raw chicken, a renowned legend of Maple World approaches, sporting a Tier-10 Ring glimmering with several kinds of gems.

After laughing at her predicament, Cortical promises to spread word of Yunchang’s misfortune across the world.

Meeting with a Renowned Hero​

Cortical engages Yunchang in a battle of wits. The two stare attentively at the Match Cards as they are mixed and shuffled.

A Battle of Minds​

Yunchang wins the first bout! She becomes overconfident, and forgets to watch the Match Cards as closely this time around.

The Battle of Minds Ends in Disgrace​

Yunchang admits her overconfidence and – reflecting on her circumstances – understands that she doesn’t exactly appear trustworthy. She accepts that it will take some time to earn back her fame and honor. Cortical slays several chickens with just one slash each, and then parts ways with our hero.

Alone again, Yunchang feels an unpleasant stir inside her stomach. Oh no.

Queasy Bar 92%​

She decides to find a spot to settle down and get some water from a source that doesn’t harbor any not-pirahnas. Taking a trip back through town, she is no more welcome now than before. She reaches a Frog Pond, populated by the same variety of deadly frogs. After slaying several and collecting their froggy legs, she gulps a bit of fresh water and bathes.

A Freshwater Bath​

The raw poultry Yunchang ate earlier begins to take its toll. She experiences excruciating pain in her midsection, and isn’t sure which end she’ll release a deluge of disgust from first. The Salmonella poisoning takes hold.

Yunchang Contracts Salmonella​

A colorful spew of vomit emits from Yunchang, and refuses to let up until she feels much weaker and lighter.

The long day of survivalism is at an end, and Yunchang has nothing left to give in pursuit of her goals. She retires for the evening under some light foliage, keeping her Baseball Bat handy in case of frog attacks.

A Hero Is Always Vigilant​

Yunchang awakes to the hot bake of the tropical sun, but still feels drained. After cleaning the crusty vomit off of her undergarments and face, she does her best to eat a few bites of raw frog legs, and drafts a new plan.

After beating back the chickens blocking her path back to the Floating Market, she finally arrives back in town. She barely notices the stares at her exposed body. Approaching a man blinking repetitively, probably out of pure fury, she asks to use his rotisserie. He grants Yunchang no response.

She’s fed up with it all, and hands the man some raw ingredients that she’s stashed up until now. Frog legs, eggs, and chicken. What the…?

Yunchang Completes the Cook’s Assistant​

The man blinks in acceptance of the ingredients, and sets to work on… a cake? Whatever, man. Yunchang fires up the rotisserie and gets cooking, knowing that her constitution cannot afford another bout of stomach splurging.

Yunchang Trains Her Cooking Stat​

As Yunchang works the rotisserie, she progressively burns less and less chicken. Satisfied with her cooking, she eats her freshly seared chicken and smiles with pride.

Looking up at the weapon stall above her, Yunchang notices a familiar weapon! It looks just like the polearm she’s spent years training with.

Yunchang Spots the Guandao for Sale​

The weapon salesman eyes her with suspicion, so she backs off. Regardless, it’s probably just another replica Guandao, and she can’t yet afford a brand new weapon anyway.

She must return to her scavenging in the wilderness. She prepares for battle with the frog and chicken menace yet again.

Yet Another Training Montage​

And a training montage ensued.

Level 17 Status Update​

Back in the Brilliant Swamp, Yunchang inspects the stronger variety of chickens, and begins to slaughter them for their feet. With proper footwork in her fighting stance, she can reach across the gaps in the muddy earth and avoid their fierce pecking.

Thailand Hunting Ground I​

The training drags on and on as Yunchang collects body parts and swallowed Mesos from the wildlife. Until she spies from the rubble of the many torn frog carcasses…

A new weapon! This one made of metal!

Yunchang Acquires the Metal Axe​

Plastic, to wood, to metal. Such progress! This Metal Axe will serve Yunchang well.

Level 19 Status Update​

While successful in her wilderness survival efforts, Yunchang is still naked. And beneath that, she feels an emotional nakedness, as she grows homesick. She returns to town, and asks Spinel for assistance.

Spinel’s Postcard Service​

The World Tour stand offers a postcard delivery service, with many varieties of themed postcards for sale. Yunchang can’t stop thinking of her brothers, and pays Spinel a bit of Mesos to send a message back home. With tears in her eyes, she picks a most fitting postcard, and writes a heartfelt message.

A Postcard Back Home​

Yunchang wipes her tears away, feeling a bit better about her situation. It will be a long time before she can make it home to see her sworn brothers or her home.

Yunchang continues her wilderness training for just a bit longer! A super strong chicken coughs up the first card Yunchang is allowed to pick up!

Yunchang Obtains Her First Card​

And finally, the fierce frogs hand over a White Bandana! Yunchang is clothed, or at least, sort of.

White Bandana Plus Meso Count Update​

Yunchang decides that she’s had enough of the unforgiving swamp, as well as its unforgiving inhabitants. She approaches the World Tour stall again, and Spinel nods as they make eye contact. Before she boards the ship for a new adventure, Yunchang glances at her supplies.

One Last Inventory Check​

She pays the 3000 Meso troll toll, and looks off to the horizon. Things can only get better from here, she thinks.

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The Bounty of the Han​

In this all new section of GUAN YUNCHANG’S WORLD TOUR DIARY, we’ll be taking a look at the bounties bestowed upon Yunchang throughout her journey! Take note that this does not include fresh equipment that Yunchang will use, monster cards, or any big ticket items in general that are deserving of their own showcase in the main diary.

The Bounty of the Han​

Woah, that’s a lot of NX cards! As well as her very first Gachapon ticket! Keep it up, Yunchang!

Bountiful NX​

2000 NX! It’s really starting to add up now. Yunchang will keep saving up her NX and Gachapon tickets. After all, she can’t use the Gachapon until after level 30.

Tune in next time! Let’s all wish Yunchang good luck finding some clothes!​

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Twin Fantasy​

Can’t get enough MapleStory area-lock content? Desperate to see the adventures of others partaking in a similar World Tour Challenge? Let’s compile all of these challenges into a single spot for convenient clicking.

World Tour Challenge​

Explore the real world from the comfort of MapleStory!

• World Tour Lock Resources (Super stinky self-shill)
• (MapleRoyals) Game Challenge: World Tour™ (Completely unaffiliated with me)

Other Area-Locks on MapleLegends​

A mix of community threads, guild advertisements, guides, and rulesets. A rich bounty of area-lock!

• Victoria: The Victoria-Island Locked Guild! and A guide to vicloc
• Osslock (Old School Style Lock)
• Islander Community Thread
• Sleepywood-locked Challenge
• Clocklock rules

Other Area-Locks on MapleRoyals (I Don’t Play MapleRoyals)​

I don’t know these people, but I’m glad they are having fun.

• Camper Community Guide / Ranks
• Islander Community Rankings / Guides
• Game Challenge: Caveman™
• Game Challenge: LEGOman (Ludibrium only challenge)
• Game Challenge Ellin Guardians

Bai, nee~ ​

 

If you want to read this post in its original and somehow worse format, take a look over on Taimazone (I've barely worked on it since the first post )​

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Chapter 3: The Traitors of the Southlands​

Hey again! If you’re reading this still, I hope you’ve enjoyed the first two chapters of Guan Yunchang’s World Tour Diary! I wonder what I’m even doing writing this at all, but the server is in maintenance AGAIN, so I’m going to keep writing. Now it’s time for rabbits on the moon, fuck yeah! I don’t plan on stepping away from the computer for even a second during maintenance. Watch in real time as I learn how to edit gifs and use basic software I could have learned 10 years ago! Let’s put this awful thing to paper already.

Excited Yunchang’s Diary Fans​

Youkoso! Kinoko Jinja!​

Time for a long, drawn out chapter explaining what a Shinto shrine is. Maybe we’ll look at some local Japanese maps and reference the trajectory of the camera in MapleStory looking at Mt. Fuji versus where Mt. Fuji really is, and see if there are any Shinto shrines within a wide, sweeping area! You see, Shinto is often referred to as an animist religion, but its practitioners would not exactly call it a religion. The Shinto shrine is a place where…

Nah, just kidding! Let’s get to the story.​

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ようこそ！キノコ神社！​

Yunchang awakens in the dark ship cabin, swallowing and gasping for air, holding back her seasickness. By candelight, she grabs a World Tour Map from the table and adds some personalized touches.

The World According to Yunchang​

Many nights passed as the Maple Travel Agency’s metal ship, clearly made in like 1890 or something, peeled apart the ocean waves. Conversation was sparse on the rusty vessel. Its inhabitants, both crew and traveller, felt instinctively that with one false move a screw or support would come loose, dooming them all to the ever-awaiting abyss below.

Yunchang’s uncertainty about the approaching landmass mirrors the depth of the abyss, and she feels herself swallowed by the darkness.

The World Tour Vessel Makes Ground​

As the ship ploughs to a stop against the shore and emits its last cough of steam, Yunchang rushes to gather her belongings and plant her bare feet on the unfamiliar shore.

Grumble grumble​

Poopoo Bar 86%​

Youkoso… Kinoko Jinja. Welcome to… Mushroom Shrine? Kerning shitty… under construction? Oh, wait, that’s CITY, not shitty. Darn katakana loan words. Yunchang should really study her Japanese flash cards…

Mushroom Shrine Message Board​

Wishing to respect local custom, Yunchang believes she should bow before passing through the great torii leading her to the Mushroom Shrine. She’s not sure if you’re supposed to just bow once or at every torii she sees, but this one is pretty big, so bow she does.

Bowing Before the Torii​

The Maple Travel Agency ship (welded from scrap steel in 1890) did not have a bathroom save for a lone bucket, so Yunchang has really got to go. Naked, she quickly hops one foot at a time to the nearest bush, and gets to business.

First Poop in Japan​

Deeper Yunchang goes into the Mushroom Forest. Just as the shrine disappears from behind her, the scenery bursts to life before her eyes. The mushrooms are up, they are walking, and they want blood.

The Mushroom Forest Guardians​

Clearly, these animated mushrooms have been harassing travellers along the road, and stealing their goods. A perfect opportunity for heroes like Yunchang to make a name for themselves.

First Orange Mushroom Card​

What luck! Yunchang gets an Orange Mushroom card, and is actually able to pick it up, too!

The mushrooms have fashioned some common household objects into weaponry and armor. Yunchang takes the Pan Lid, and takes a hint from the mushrooms by putting it in her Equip inventory, not her Etc. inventory.

Pansexuals Rejoice!​

A long time passes as Yunchang sweeps the forest of living fungi. Cards montages were had…

A Splendid Card Gathering Montage​

And a few level ups, and lots of junk items to sell. But you’ll have to wait until the Bounty of the Han to see the great compilation!

Yunchang begins to encounter female mushroom troops, suited up in female armor. Unfortunately, none of that armor is for female WARRIORS…

Useless Female Armor Drop​

Yunchang turns over a bloodied mushroom girl and finds a Yellow Valentine Rose. These high quality roses are only found in Amoria, or shared between lovers for certain commercialized holidays.

First Yellow Valentine Rose Drop​

Yunchang buries the mushroom girl and says a small prayer. She knows that the mushrooms do what they must out of poor circumstance, not for the sake of causing chaos.

The battle continues.

As Yunchang dives to escape the speartip of a determined Blue Mushroom, she feels an object sink effortlessly into her back. Her breath stops, and the tendrils of pain seek out every corner of her body.

The pain stops. She feels lighter. As the wind blows, she feels a bit of her body drift away. What… what happened?

An Adventure Cut Short​

She reaches out to feel anything, but her hands stay limp. After floating for a moment, the world grows dark.

------------------------------------------------------------------------​

The Traitors of the Southlands​

Yunchang wakes up, but the world is still black. A muffled voice speaks excitedly. She hears the sound of hands pawing at some surface in front of her, until a latch pops open. Still in darkness, Yunchang can only feel the plush surface beneath her, carrying her off to the unknown.

The undignified man loudly clears his throat and practices some lines. “Lord Sun Ce – wait, I mean Lord Sun Quan! I present this gift, from yours truly.”

Stopping to greet another presence, the undignified man puffs out his chest and barks at someone of inferior station, “Lü Meng. Carry our gift, and follow behind me as we present it to Lord Sun Quan!”

Entering the chamber with echoing footsteps, the two bow in respect, and Zhou Yu begins to speak.

“Lord Sun Jian – oh, damn it – Lord Sun Quan. I pring this blesent – fuck, BRING this PRESENT… Oh, damn it already, it’s the head of Guan Yu! Gaze in wonder, my Lord.”

Zhou Yu and Lü Meng present Guan Yu’s head to Sun Ce – fuck, I mean Sun QUAN. God, there are too many names here​

Sun Quan puts away a McDonalds wrapper, the packaging crumpling loudly in his hands. He grabs a fresh burger from the pile to his side and rejoices.

“Yes! Well done, Zhou Yu, and you too Lü Meng I guess! Yunchang doesn’t look like much of a God of War – just another plain warrior, obeying the words of another. Still, we can now retake Jing Province.”

“Already underway, my Lord,” says Zhou Yu, looking past Sun Quan.

“Anyway, Cao Cao would love to see this. Send him this head in a jeweled box, with a procession of 10,000 McNugget carts. And give him a few thousand horses, generals in this era love that shit. With this, our alliance with Cao Wei is secured, and definitely won’t blow up in our faces immediately after.”

Zhou Yu and Lü Meng come to attention, complete a fist and palm salute, and exit the chamber, their armor clanking obnoxiously through the halls.

“Da Qiao, Xiao Qiao, did I tell you to stop? Keep going!”

“Hai, Goshuujin-sama,” the Qiao sisters say in unison, and also in Japanese for some reason. Tears dripping down their faces, they each unwrap another McDouble, and begin to take delicate bites.

As the Qiao sisters get busy, Sun Quan picks up the pillow and strokes Yunchang’s hair. He begins to hum, or moan, or… something.

Yunchang opens her eyes and comes face to face with Sun Quan. The smell of burgers and stale sweat is too much, the traditional Sun family clown makeup too terrifying. She screams for help that she knows isn’t coming. She screams out for Liu Bei, for Zhang Fei that hungover lunatic even, and for the Great Han’s twenty four emperors.

Yunchang’s Scream of Desperation​

She spits a frothing mess of blood, and Sun Quan drops the decorative pillow. Rather than hitting the floor, Yunchang crashes out of this world, and into the next.

------------------------------------------------------------------------​

The Mystery of Mushroom Shrine​

Yunchang rests on manicured grass. The snowshoes and boots of adventurers walk past her, going either way, ignoring her presence. The Gachapon machine squeals in delight while burping up goodies, but the adventurers mostly just sigh and drop their newfound garbage onto the grass. A shrine maiden with poor social skills begins sweeping away the Gachapon detritus from the grass, while humming a song to herself. Yunchang glances up and wonders why this girl must sweep the grass. It’s probably some old school training thing meant to build discipline, she guesses.

Many Offerings Are Strewn About the Shrine Grounds​

The shrine maiden looks at Yunchang, embarrassed to have been caught humming to herself. She attempts to ask if Yunchang needs help, or something to wear. “Etto… etto…” The shrine maiden looks away, hiding her face, trying again to collect her thoughts.

Oh man, this is awkward. Yunchang hasn’t seen this variety of unsocialized girl since anime club back in diaper school. “Look, it’s fine,” Yunchang sighs, “I’ll step off the shrine grounds. Just please go relax or something.” Yunchang climbs a tree which is somehow the exit to this place, glances in sadness at her EXP bar, and prepares for more mushroom murder.

Sad Post-Death Yunchang​

Mushroom caps crack open, and spores fly out, gently falling back to the ground. Observing the cycle of life and death or something like that, Yunchang ponders… Perhaps the blessings of Mushroom Shrine revive both humans and mushrooms alike.

Yunchang gets a Bronze Koif! Wow, she’s looking like a true Warrior!

Bronze Koif Loot​

She dies a whole bunch of times, and is revived by the magic of Mushroom Shrine. What’s doing it? Could it be the offerings to Mushroom Shrine? Why do the shrine boys also collect these offerings? What are they planning?

Shrine Boy Hard at Work​

Yunchang accepts the free revival, but hopes that no human sacrifice or weird shit is at play.

More EXP, more levels. The deaths won’t stop Lady Yunchang! And among the shroom wreckage lays… an Iron Axe! What an upgrade!

37 Att Iron Axe PLUS 3rd Blue Mushroom Card​

Many Monster Cards are collected, both cards for the Monster Card book and many Match Cards. The Monster Book tells her which mushroom troop varieties are equipped with which items. Yunchang, desperate for clothing, begins to focus on the Blue Mushrooms, hoping to get a Steel Fitted Mail!

Many adventurers pass through the forest. They must be much stronger than Yunchang, as they react little to the battalions of mushrooms, instead rushing to pray at the Great Mushroom Statue. One stops for a moment and offers our hero fresh supplies. However, Yunchang cannot accept in good conscience.

A Chat With BlueCrawfish​

Yunchang gets some more extremely cool items, but nothing meant for a Warrior. She develops a plan…

Remember, the shopkeepers will never sell items to Yunchang until she is appropriately clothed! The climate may be fair enough to prance around nude, but there are social standards in place.

Rather than equipping some armor, why not armor her body? It’s only temporary, but…

Iron Bodied​

With this trick, Yunchang can create a barrier of iron around her body. It only lasts for a couple minutes. While this isn’t long enough to be served food by the local vendors, it’s just long enough to sell some items from her overflowing backpack. Nice loophole! Get those Mesos, Yunchang!

Food Safety Be Damned​

Yunchang prances back into the forest before her Iron Body disappears, and again begins scavenging from the mushroom menace.

What’s this, a Bullet? Yunchang had heard of this technology, but had never laid her eyes on such a thing. She’d thought the ashigaru were still using pointy stick weapons, not advanced projectile weaponry. Who’s producing these in Japan?

Never Mind the Bullets, Here’s the Sex​

Moooore levels and moooore offerings! This time, Yunchang discovers that adventurers offer items not just to Mushroom Shrine directly, but also to the Great Mushroom Statue! There’s got to be something special about this Mushroom.

Offerings to the Great Mushroom Statue​

Yunchang finally has 50 Monster Cards (for Match Cards)! Now she can make a set of Match Cards, but that would require a trip back to Maple World. Dreadful place.

Yunchang Loots Her 50th Monster Card​

Yunchang occasionally returns to sit on the bench and recover some energy. While she does have some potions and Bento stashed away, she prefers to save them, feasting on mushroom caps and leftover frog legs instead. During her mealtime bench sitting, the shrine boys aren’t very talkative.

Shrine Boy Update​

Perhaps Yunchang should start using some of her supplies. A bit deeper into the forest she goes~

And in the clearing are many crows~

Will they drop a Red Engrit, nobody knows~

Prepare for a gigantic filesize gif. I’m truly sorry about this.

The Battle of the Crows​

These Crows are TOUGH! Yunchang must constantly return back to the Mushroom Forest to sit in place healing.

A Perfect Time to Eat Frog Legs​

Yunchang spots a lone girl at the Mushroom Shrine. Feeling the weight of her backpack, Yunchang offers one of her spare Yellow Valentine Roses. It’s really the least she could do, and besides, she’s just a Beginner.

A Rose for Taima​

Even more lovely offerings were left at the Mushroom Shrine. Please, keep offering! This is what sustains us lesser adventurers!

Funky Offerings​

Back to crows…

and back to mushrooms (ridiculously large gif alert)…

Delicious Mushroom Mobbing​

Hey, a random fame! Word of Yunchang’s heroics must be spreading!

Yunchang Receives a Fame​

to crows…

A Brief Card Montage Is in Order​

to mushrooms…

Level 28 Status Update Featuring New Axe​

to crows, to mushrooms. And endless cycle, occasionally broken by death and resurrection, which is also a cycle.

After one of the several deaths and resurrections, Yunchang meets the brilliant Ranger Celestalia at the Mushroom Shrine! Yunchang decides not to share any excerpts from this one in the diary. The two shared a chat for a brief moment, and I’m sure their paths will cross again.

Yunchang continues struggling to get a SINGLE PIECE OF ARMOR! AND DIES AGAIN! AND AGAIN!

DROP IT ALREADY YOU MUSHROOMS! YOU PIECE OF SHIT, YOU HAVE A SLIGHT CHANCE TO DROP IT, YOU CAN BE THE MUSHROOM WHO SAVES YOUR KIND FROM THE SLAUGHTER, YOU CAN DROP THE ARMOR PIECE, BUT AGAIN YOU FUCKING DIDN’T!

Useless Dumb Shitter Mushroom​

She tries a couple different fighting styles – broadening her reach, wielding a shield. None of it helps. In the confusion between battle and AFKing, she lets a NX card disintegrate. But not before screenshotting it!

The NX that Got Away​

Little more offerings to the Mushroom Shrine.

Tiny Offerings​

Shrine boy reports back to headquarters. Oh, something big is going on here.

Shrine Boy Reports Back​

Yunchang gets back to the grind, hitting level 29!

Mushroom Explosion​

FUCK YES, VICTORY FOR ONCE! Yunchang scores something to wear!

Yunchang Obtains the Mithril Boots​

Some boots, and they’re made of mithril, a superb material! Thanks, Tolkien! Along with a useless Iron Axe! It’s not enough to function in modern society, but it’s enough to keep her feet protected during this long march through the woods. She notices that her steps through the forest now leave much more noticeable tracks behind her, but she doesn’t fucking care even a little, she’s getting that weapon defense.

Level 29 Status Update​

A little trip back to the Shrine, a little Iron Body, and a little selling to the locals. She spots the Shrine Boy! Go Shrine Boy!

SHRINE BOY​

Yunchang spots an adventurer gliding along in a mechsuit! Wow, cool! He warns her of the approaching end times.

Yunchang Meets Mechsuit Man​

She wonders if it’s a real high tech mechsuit, or if this is some cosplayer from Shibuya. Regardless, pretty awesome.

The world prepares for a deep sleep. Yunchang is ready for some sleep, too. She takes inventory before the great light in the sky goes out for a bit.

Almost Level 30 Status Update​

But Yunchang, despite wanting to sleep peacefully…

A Shadow Approaches​

can’t help the feeling that someone is watching her.

Unhappy Guan Yu​

------------------------------------------------------------------------​

THE BOUNTY OF THE HAN​

Biggest haul yet. Bring it on home, Liu Bei. Really, really obnoxious image alert.

The Bounty of the Han​

The Great Bounty thus far:

• 9 Common Gacha
• 3 Rare Gacha
• 453,719 Mesos
• 8,100 Vote Cash

The Great Levelup Montage​

Glorious.

The Great Death Tally​

Not so glorious – that’s a LOT of deaths before level 30. But I’m actually a little proud of how the Death Tally image turned out. I’ll see if I want to keep making such obnoxious compilations in the future, because this was a lot of work.

Feel free to stop reading now if you just like MapleStory. I don’t know why I’m doing this silly plot thing.

------------------------------------------------------------------------​

The Bromance of the Three Kingdoms​

This is going to get confusing, so let’s do one of these cast listing things, like for a play I guess? The names begin with the family name, then their personal name, followed by their style name in parentheses. Women don’t get style names, apparently. If I’m doing this thing wrong or in an offensive manner, let me know! This bastardization of the Three Kingdoms characters and plot is definitely not the worst of what’s out there, I assure you. I’m probably doing a ton of shit wrong, but I’m having fun at least.

Characters not yet featured in the story will have illustrations for their pictures (or whatever image I can find), but I’ll swap those out for character pictures when they are later revealed. Kinda like unlocking a new character in a fighting game or something?

Since these are historical figures and are featured in one of the great classical novels of Chinese literature, I’d like to stress that this is a parody and all in good fun. I come from a region where nobody knows what a Three Kingdoms even is! Honestly I can’t fucking explain this Three Kingdoms thing, so I’ll just hope literally a single person is able to understand what’s going on.

Shu Han and the Brothers Liu​

Rather fine folks that serve under Liu Bei to restore the Han Dynasty. Eventually Shu Han becomes an empire under him, but we try not to talk about that, sort of ruins the story.

The Brotherhood of the Mushroom Garden​

From Left to Right​

• Guan Yu (Yunchang): Our main man, who has somehow become a girl, and you’re just gonna deal with it. Why would anyone play a male character on MapleStory anyway? For some reason they always depict Guan Yu with red skin all over like a high school football coach. Has a sense of honor as strong and heavy as iron.
• Liu Bei (Xuande): The star of the show (except for Guan Yu); the man’s got big earlobes and an even bigger sense of filial piety. A scion of the Han, who would do anything to protect the people.
• Zhang Fei (Yide): The youngest brother, often depicted as a powerful, disheveled, bearded man. Really likes drinking, and wields an epic serpent spear.

This Is Also Guan Yu​

There are more of these Shu Han guys, I just can’t figure out how to write them in yet. Give me some time, okay?

Sun Wu​

Irrelevant bastards, whenever you reach a scene with these guys just skip it honestly.

• Sun Quan (Zhongmou): Baby boy Sun, forced to come to power after his father and big brother died. How did they die? Idk, haven’t written it yet.

Sun Quan​

• Sun Ce (Bofu): Bigger boy Sun, known as the Little McConqueror after he took a bunch of land or some shit. He probably smokes weed or surfs.

Sun Ce​

• Sun Jian (Wentai): Big daddy Sun. The Tiger of Jiangdong. Over 99 billion served, and counting. He got done dirty early in the story by dying after he got the Imperial Seal, and his sons kind of suck, don’t they?

Sun Jian​

• Zhou Yu (Gongjin): The big tactical man hiding up the Sun clan’s sleeve. He really fucking hates Zhuge Liang because Zhou Yu is clearly dumber and can’t stop proving just how easy he is to outsmart. Good as a second banana tactician, but he would never allow that. Smokes weed or surfs in his spare time, and microdoses estrogen.

Zhou Yu​

• Lü Meng (Ziming): A general guy or something under Sun Whateverhisnameis. Starts off kinda incompetent, but studies up later on and does a little bit of kickass military strategy. Probably used to smoke weed or surf with Sun Ce, and totally smokes weed or surfs with Zhou Yu.

Lü Meng​

• Da Qiao: Of the Two Qiao Sisters, she is the Older Qiao. These two sisters are supposed to be so pretty they’re famous, a feat that has never been accomplished before or since in the history of humanity. Married to Sun Ce, but that won’t stop her.

Da Qiao​

• Xiao Qiao: The Younger Qiao. Married to Zhou Yu, and he hasn’t shut up about her since. Zhuge Liang once suggested to Zhou Yu that he hand both sisters to Cao Cao and surrender, and Zhou Yu still flicks his bean to the thought to this day.

Xiao Qiao​

Cao Wei​

The Microsoft of the Three Kingdoms era – complete with a policy of embrace, extend, and extinguish. They basically win in the end, which explains all Chinese history from there on out. You can try to surrender, but if Cao Cao wants your blood, he’s going to get it anyway.

• Cao Cao (Mengde): TSAO TSAO, not COW COW! Just telling you before he gets angry. Cao Cao will do anything for power, and he thrives in this chaotic era. He’s pretty smart, but lets his love for Guan Yu get in the way sometimes. Holds ambition deep in his heart like a minimum wage shift leader.

Cao Cao​

Don’t worry, more of the Cao guys are coming.

Other​

Besides the actual Three Kingdoms people, there are some other relevantly irrelevant fuckers who sometimes pop up in the story.

• Red Hare: Yeah, it’s just a horse, but it’s going in the character cast list. Red Hare is taken by Cao Cao after Lü Bu does really dumb shit to get killed off, and Cao Cao later gifts it to Guan Yu. If it weren’t for Guan Yu, we wouldn’t be talking about this fucking horse. Where is Red Hare now, anyway?

Red Hare, Not Looking Particularly Red​

• Yuan Shao (Benchu): I’m not even going to dignify this guy with a proper entry.

Yuan Shao​

• Yuan Shu (Gonglu): No.

Cringe​

------------------------------------------------------------------------​

An Interview With the Author​

Q: wha

A: wahh

Q: Why?

A: idk

Q: This would have been funnier if you didn’t veer away from using actual MapleStory assets.

A: Maybe yeah.

Send in your questions for next time, folks! If not, I’ll just make up more.

Bai, nee~ ​

 

Check out my personal website, Taimazone! It's got some sugoi banners now! Get ready for some exclusive posts here once I get my shit together. ​

​

------------------------------------------------------------------------​

Chapter 4: The Water Margin​

The Big Poop​

Welcome back to the land of poops and pees. I think we’ve finally shaken off the fleas of the MapleLegends forums, now all that remains are strong, healthy leeches! Dig into my skin and suck out the vital essence, my little leeches! Mwahahahaha!

By the way, this event is pretty kewl. I rate it McChicken out of Big Mac.

Rabbit Currency​

Let’s catch up with Yunchang in Japan!​

------------------------------------------------------------------------​

To the Moon and Back​

Last time, Yunchang left off very close to level 30, so let’s pop that levelup right now.

LEVEL 30​

On her way towards Spinel, she comes across a strange fortune teller. Or so she appears. She doesn’t tell any fortunes or have any interesting riddles, but just wants to warp Yunchang somewhere apparently.

Warp noises​

Yunchang discovers a Bunny Space Program! These bunnies have staged a lunar mission, and are packing some serious technology.

Moon Bunny Space Program​

The bunnies urge Yunchang to jump! Against her better judgement, she does! She’s rocketed straight to the lunar surface!

She speaks with the bunnies of the moon colony, and gets a Cow raffle task. Nice score! She’ll have to go to Shanghai later to do that raffle.

Cow Raffle​

Yunchang is ready for more training. She sees no need to keep working on her Warrior Basics – she’s ready for some Spearman Techniques. Off to Loseria Island she goes!

Lightbulb Screaming Sounds​

She takes a solemn walk from the bricked cityscape, up the crags, to the Warrior Stronghold. She takes a breath before entering Dances with Balrog’s pleasure chamber personal chamber. He greets Yunchang with a hearty hello, but she’s really not in the mood for more bullshit. She takes note that she’ll have to prove her worth as a warrior to advance in her training, and snatches away Dancing with Balrog’s Letter.

Taking on the 2nd Job Advancement​

She climbs the West Rocky Mountain, her bare skin blistering as she goes. Finally, Yunchang reaches the Warrior Job Instructor. This guy won’t give us his name, that’s how fucking epic and mysterious he is.

The Nameless Instructor​

He warns Yunchang of the grave danger she’s about to face. Alone, she climbs to the mountain peak – the Warrior’s Rocky Mountain.

Lupins toss bananas and let loose their piercing monkey screech. Fire Boars charge with their scorching manes trailing behind them, their tusks stabbing deep into Yunchang’s flesh.

She beats them back, and picks up a single Dark Marble, but the horde overcomes her wild slashes. She drops to the ground, and a flaming boar stomps its hooves, cracking her skull and splattering Yunchang’s base INT right down the cliffside. A glorious death for a failed warrior.

Yunchang Fucking DIES and Fails Her Test​

------------------------------------------------------------------------​

Chu Shi Biao, or a Memorial on the Case to Go to War​

In the rift between worlds, Guan Yu awakens in the darkness. Before her eyes, a great portal splits open, and a man steps out, brandishing a great feathered fan.

“Guan Yu. You are a disappointment to your sworn brothers! Your ancestors weep at the sight of your misfortune. Please, try harder.”

The grand strategist of Shu Han looks down in shame at our hero.

“Yes, Kongming. I have died time after time, and with each bitter end I am thrown back into limbo between Maple World and the real world. Under such strict restrictions, how can I stand this great punishment?”

Speaking softly, Sleeping Dragon retorts, “I was of humble origin, and used to lead the life of a peasant in Nanyang. In those days, I only hoped to survive in such a chaotic era. I did not aspire to become famous among nobles and aristocrats.”

Sleeping Dragon takes a breath. Oh, it’s going to be a long, flowery speech yet again.

Sleeping Dragon​

“The Late Emperor did not look down on me because of my background. He humbled himself and visited me thrice in the thatched cottage, where he consulted me on the affairs of our time. I was so deeply touched that I promised to do my best for the Late Emperor. We encountered hard times and setbacks later. I was given heavy responsibilities when we were facing defeats. I received important duties in dangerous and difficult situations. It has been (STATIC( years since then.”

“Well, I suppose that helps. Wait, the Late Emperor? What’s happened? Kongming!”

“…with deference and prudence, to the state of one’s depletion; it’s never finished until one’s death.”

Yunchang is drawn out of her reverie with the intangible spirit of Zhuge Liang, and crashes back down into the Cliffside Village, her body aching.

------------------------------------------------------------------------​

The Sleeping Dragon Knight​

With renewed courage, Yunchang knows what to do. She gets the fuck up, and climbs to the Warrior Job Instructor yet again. She unleashes her dormant, repressed fury upon the elite piggos and monkes. To sustain her power, she chomps down 20 Bento boxes. Finally, victory at last! Yunchang is a true hero.

Official Recognition of Hero Status​

And she’s also a Spearman! Dances with Balrog shares a few surprisingly wise words about using one’s power for the right purpose.

Spearwoman​

Time to explore a bit before heading home.

Catte​

She puts her Useless Dumb Shitter Mushroom-themed cards into a deck!

Match Cardz​

And poisons the water supply.

Henesys Cholera Outbreak of 2023​

Maybe that was a bad idea. Time to get out of town.

Henesys Residents Are Furious​

She heads back to Spinel, and takes the boat to Shanghai before the residents catch on.

------------------------------------------------------------------------​

The Bund​

Along the Huangpu river bend stands a city divided in two. On one side, Pudong’s skyscrapers and financial buildings create a unique and wondrous skyline. On the other, Wai-Tan houses many historic buildings that were once foreign concessions. Don’t these old colonial relics seem dwarfed by the towering developments since then?

Yunchang steps off the boat, eager and ready to begin the long process of honing her Spearman techniques. Her first task – hunt the fearsome Cows for the Lost Grey.

Dragons Detected​

After taking in the sights, she leaves the bustling city in search of the farmlands. But what’s this? The animals that once passively allowed themselves to be chopped into fresh McNuggets have staged a revolt! Ducks, Roosters, Sheep, Cows – no animal is safe anymore.

Progressing onwards and slapping away farm animals as she goes, Yunchang has a run-in with the horrifying Giant Centipede. She evades its stabbing pincers, but to her surprise, a series of spines shoot from the ground, eviscerating her entire body!

Death by Giant Centipede​

She begins to plot her revenge, but clearly needs more training first.

Yunchang finds a new home: Split Road at West. What is it? A split road. Where is it? At west. This place has many safe spots from which she can slice up the animals!

Sky Blue Starry Bandana spotted, and it’s right next to a Shep card! Yoink! And not long after that, a second Bandaner drops.

Sky Blue Starry Bandaners​

SURRA visits Shanghai! Woah! SURRAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Surra.​

These cows are tough. Yunchang sustains many a cow bite, avoids their charges, and stabs them over a dozen times each until they crumple into raw beef.

100 Cows Beefed​

100 Cows fucking dunked. Yunchang trampolines directly to the moon, and returns to the Lost Grey. While Yunchang didn’t come any closer to finding the alien’s friends, she still receives a New Year’s Lion Body as her reward.

New Year’s Lion Body​

Yunchang politely equips the Lion Body, and utters her muffled thanks from beneath the festive costume piece.

The moon bunnies are no stranger to nudity, so react kindly to Lady Yunchang. She continues to help the bunnies.

Yunchang Harvests the Rare Moon Flowers​

Baby Moon Bunny apparently can’t get enough of the moon despite living on it. Yunchang is tasked with taking a picture of the moon from far away using an Instant Camera. She knows just the place to take a beautiful picture of the moon, but it’s going to be a while before she gets back there!

Instant Camera​

Yunchang meets Kimberly, the server administrator! Wowee! Kimberly is clearly too busy to respond, but Yunchang fames her. Kimberly can repay the favor any time, no rush.

Faming the Real Kimmy​

The Lost Grey asks for help again – and wants Yunchang to defeat 100 Cows, AGAIN. Do all aliens have a weird cow obsession?

With a Slash of Her Spear, Yunchang Descends from Space​

And Yunchang fucking DIES AGAIN TO THE GODDAMN CENTIPEDE.

Oops​

Hang on, let’s see that again in glorious high definition.

The Giant Centipede Devours Yunchang Alive​

Yunchang heads back to the city for some rest and attempts to plop down on the least comfortable looking bench maybe fucking ever. And it’s fake! Unsittable! The empire has fallen into disrepair! Guan Yu is again emboldened on her great mission.

Fake Bench​

A Bow of Magical Destruction? What? Yunchang needs to keep this bow from falling into the wrong hands.

BMD feat. Eggs​

Fucking dead AGAIN THANKS TO THE EVIL CHICKENS.

Pecked to Death​

Back at the Wai-Tan, Yunchang is accosted by Cho the photographer snapping pictures of her freshly resurrected body. Yes, this is actual MapleStory dialogue.

Cho the Creepshotter​

Before he can take ecchi photographs of our hero, Cho needs his camera Tripod back! Yunchang is tasked with reclaiming it from Mr. Yang out in the fields.

Another man calls Yunchang over, and Yunchang sighs before stomping over. She’s surprised to find his demeanor slightly less creepy than Cho’s. The guy just needs some Chicken Feet and Duck Eggs for his recipes. Simple enough for Yunchang! She’s been busy slaying the farm beasts for hours now.

Yunchang came prepared. She hands Owner Yeo 100 Duck Eggs and is rewarded with 10 Corn Sticks. Yum!

Achievement Unlocked: Corn​

Yunchang has had enough of the city, and decides to get back to work in the fields. The city fades away, and is replaced by gentle winds and the sounds of angry farm animals.

Alongside the main path are many strange pillars. Yunchang notices footholds, perfect for climbing. She grapples her way up the strange structure…

Climbing the Mysterious Pillar​

At the top, she hears a gentle hum from the three Threads of Fate strung across the pillars. Yunchang decides not to disturb the balance of fate and future, but takes note of the importance of these spiritual monuments.

Back at the Split Road (@ West)! Yunchang approaches Mr. Yang, an old man plowing the fields by hand, to his spinal detriment. His plow oxen have gone fucking nuts with rage, are tilling the fields in mad zigzag patterns, shaking off their plow equipment. To receive the camera Tripod for ecchi photo man back in the city, Yunchang must gather 100 of their plows.

Yunchang Meets Mr. Feet​

…But the plow oxen are way above Yunchang’s combat proficiency. They are not only stronger, but also smarter than Yunchang. An ambush party of plow oxen rides down the hills, their plows cracking and breaking behind them. Yunchang retreats back to the Split Road, and decides to focus on her simple Cow extermination task.

First, she attempts to scroll her Mithril War Boots with a Shoes for Jump 10%. It fails, of course.

It’s not easy work, but it builds character, or furthers her character build, or something. Many a cow is spitroasted on her spear, many a sheep bleats for mercy as she slays the rebellious animals.

For they will grant her no mercy, either.

The Steaks Are High​

Yunchang finds a Red Whip! A whip is no weapon for a spearwoman, but these whips grant great powers of Speed!

Red Whip of Fastness​

Did we mention Yunchang has found some cards? Later on we’ll do an epic card gathering montage.

Yunchang has had enough of turning cows to beef, and takes a break. Back to the town she goes. And up to the moon she is thrown by the odd moon bunnies.

This moon is a meeting place between worlds! Here, Maplers and humans alike can meet. Kimmy is here again on her alt account, but has chronic AFKitis.

Watching Us Like the Eye of Sauron​

The part-time bunnies have also doubled their workforce!

yay​

A bit of pre- and post-server reset Moon Flower gathering later…

Octoblessed Ring obtained​

Yunchang obtains the Octoblessed Ring, as well as a Charm with which to bless it!

Blessed​

The rabbit-alien alliance provides free Spacehorses to any who want them, apparently. Yunchang partakes in some rabbit fun…

Zap​

While Gaga partakes in some gaylien fun…

Abducted by Gayliens​

Yunchang also helps out at the Space Mine, gathering whatever these crystals even are. She learns to perform the Space Dash in her Spacehorse!

The Maplers are enjoying the Spacehorses, too. Many partake in the Rabbit Games.

Spacehorsemen of the Cockpocalypse​

Feeling eight times blessed by her new ring, Yunchang returns to Earth, ready to fight the Beef War again.

Stab, stab, slash, and stab. Yunchang hits level 31, and another 100 Cows get beefified! These events did not happen at the same time.

100 Cows Bonked​

Before returning to town, Yunchang finishes gathering 100 Chicken Feet for Owner Yeo.

Chicken FEETS returned! Yunchang tucks her 5 Fruit Sticks into her pocket for later, immediately ruining them with pocket lint.

Chicken FEETS​

The New Year’s celebration has really taken off here in Shanghai. A lone lion head drifts by. Yunchang knows just what to do! Yunchang joins the Lion Dance~

Attempted New Year’s Lion​

The rabbits propel Yunchang back to the moon. She returns to the Lost Grey, and receives quite the prize!

The Warmest Muffler​

Pendants are hard to come across in World Tour Lock, so this is huge! An alliance member was also hunting for a muffler at the same time, but it seems the will of heaven was with Yunchang instead.

Yunchang slides down a moon hole, and explores the other side of the moon. There’s a giant Spacehorse here. Yunchang tries to peer inside the craft, but it’s too dark inside. The purple gayliens are quite a mystery.

The Dark Side of the Moon​

Yunchang plummets back down to Earth, somehow unscathed. She remembers that she has another 100 Duck Eggs for Owner Yeo, and gets another 10 Corn Sticks. Yum yum!

Yunchang spots the Guandao again! She tries to wave down the wielder, but it’s no use. Where are these things coming from?

Guandao User Spotted​

Oh shit, Yunchang spots an error in the Monster Book. Goats do NOT drop a Blue Engrit! She’s going to be more careful and look up what the monsters drop from now on, rather than relying on this flimsy book of fucking lies.

Book of Lies​

For now, Yunchang feels she’s run through her last scrap of luck here in Shanghai. She turns her attention to the waterfront, and the flowing Huangpu River. Yunchang decides she actually prefers the old romanization, Whangpoo, instead.

Like a water droplet in the gushing river, Yunchang cannot remain stagnant. She’s got to fix her past mistakes and overcome her shame. She knows just what to do.

The Adventure Continues​

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The Water Margin​

A perilous journey across land and sea.​

A young woman who has yet to know her potential.​

This potential is a power that could either…​

Destroy her or realize her will.​

Her courage shall determine her fate.​

Yunchang Steps Onto the Concrete Docks​

With renewed vigor, Yunchang is ready. She’s prepared to conquer the stagnant pools of biting fish, the muddy embankments, and the F6 stares at her exposed body.

Yunchang follows the call of nature ushering her deeper into the jungle. After passing an Isolated House built over the water, she finds her prey. The gators will suffer the wrath of her speartip until they spit up something of value.

A Legendary Potion​

The gators cough up an Elixir! A potion of legend! While not incredibly useful yet, Yunchang knows to save these for the far off future.

There are only a few gators in this area of the swamp. To keep the balance of jungle life stable, Yunchang must also slay the White Roosters, Toads, and Yellow Lizards all around her. This is really going to slow her progress…

Yunchang Is Fed Up with Poultry​

She gets a couple Monster Book cards, but this area is not working out. After a short rest on top of Pooyai Lee’s home…

Yunchang Eats Her Last Corn Stick​

She heads back through the Floating Market, to the other far end of the swampy jungle. At the Toad Pond, Yunchang prepares to camp out for a long stay under the sun, palm trees, and bloodthirsty mosquitos.

This is not easy. Yunchang is on the gators’ home turf here, and needs to venture to the bottom of the pond to fight the gators! She holds her breath and does her best to keep swinging away at the many-toothed beasts.

Underwater Ligators​

To make matters worse, this place is also full of Toads and Jr. Neckis. Yunchang attempts to slay the agile snakes, but only one in a dozen hits even lands.

Agile Jr. Neckis​

A couple of hours pass. Yunchang fights along the shores, under the water, and atop the embankments. She holds her breath to fight the gators, and catches her breath while restoring her health on dry land. Just as things were looking truly grim…

The Great Payoff​

Holy buttfuck. Finally! A gator spits up an entire suit of armor before its eyes roll back into its head. Yunchang cleans the Yellow Engrit off in the water, dries it in the sun, and dons her first true piece of armor.

Victory At Last for Yunchang​

This Engrit is only 1 wdef below perfect! Yunchang wonders how its previous owner got eaten without sustaining any bite marks or tears on their armor, but shoves that thought aside. Yunchang is free now. Free to talk to any cute girl she wishes, buy anything she can afford, and try delicious goods from the food stalls.

Finally, Only 1 Damage Per Hit​

She slays a few White Roosters just for fun, and gets ready to say goodbye to Thailand yet again.

Goodbye Thailand, Hello Henesys​

Her ship sails off towards the sunset, like an anime protagonist’s exit at the end of an episode. With this simple victory in the swamps, Yunchang can accomplish so much more. She can BE so much more.

------------------------------------------------------------------------​

Over the Shrooms and Far Away​

After a long journey back to Maple World, Yunchang is tense. Her back aches for no fucking discernable reason, so she chalks it up to stress. Or maybe it’s her proximity to her old master, Dances with Balrog? Or the headache-inducing lightbulb above her head again?

In the Henesys town center, a kawaii neko girl sits alone on the bench, as if waiting for someone. God, she is just so fucking kawaii. Yunchang takes a seat next to the neko girl, and the bench creaks in anticipation of some awkward shit.

Yunchang and CleverCookie​

CleverCookie shifts uncomfortably, and looks through Yunchang. This isn’t going anywhere. Yunchang is still spellbound by the cute neko girl, but has business to attend to.

The bunnies again shoot Yunchang straight up to the moon. With her moon bunny currency, she buys a couple of coupons.

Purchasing the Lunar Cosmetics Bundle​

Yunchang is ready to redefine herself – as a warrior, as a woman, and as a God of War. There’s only way to do so, and that’s a fresh makeover.

She gets a magical haircut that actually causes her hair to grow. Wow!

Waxing Moon Hair Obtained​

Now, she’s got to set off for the continent of Ossyria. She walks to the Treetop Village, and at the end of the platform, a strange antennae-having cowgirl halts Yunchang.

“Passport?”​

Oh, no. Yunchang never had her passport photo taken – is this why Cho the photographer had insisted Yunchang have her naked picture taken? Yunchang has no options left, so she bargains her way onto the ship with a direct threat of violence.

Fuck the Maple Police​

Admittedly, Yunchang’s trip by airship was a beautiful one.

Yunchang Rides the Airship​

There was lots of room inside to stretch her legs – very much unlike the World Tour vessel.

The Cozy Airship Cabin​

And an observation deck below the ship!

Yunchang Feels the Wind in Her Face​

The ship settles gently at the airship docks. What a delightful trip! Yunchang collects her belongings, and explores the City of Orbs.

The fairies here are not too kind towards humans, but Yunchang doesn’t mind. She’s here for just one thing, and it’s a new face.

Yunchang Delivers the Coupon to the Face Dealer​

Looking good with that Curious Face, Yunchang! She wonders what Plastic Roy intends to do with her old face – perhaps recycle it into the pool of (REG) and (EXP) faces?

Yunchang returns to the airship, and is ready to head back to Victoria Island so she can return to the World Tour. This time, the ship is assaulted by an attack ship full of Crimson Balrogs! AAAAAAH!

The Crimson Balrog Raid​

Yunchang falls back into the cabin, letting a more seasoned warrior fight the Balrogs of Morgoth in her stead.

After the fight, he offers to let Yunchang scavenge their drops, but she must refuse the kind offer.

Level 31 Status Update​

Back in the Treetop Village, Yunchang knows it’s time to leave Maple World yet again. She coughs up 3,000 Mesos, mere pocket change at this point, and prepares for another journey on the rocky waves.

------------------------------------------------------------------------​

The Bounty of the Han​

APRIL FOOLS! No Great Bounty of the Han this time around!​

Crappity Crap​

Guys I’m too lazy, it’s 3 AM, and you basically saw everything Yunchang got. Don’t worry, chapter 5 is on the fucking way soon, my binches, and it’s gonna be fucking lit off the tit like always, and it’s coming SOON.

You can stop reading now if you want.​

…What? Still not satisfied?​

------------------------------------------------------------------------​

The Bounty of the Han: Dumped Into the Whangpoo! Oh no!​

Pretty cool, huh? Yeah no need to thank me, making this shit is its own reward.

The Great Bounty:

• 1,382,215 Mesos
• 8,750 Vote Cash
• 10 Common Gacha
• 4 Rare Gacha

------------------------------------------------------------------------​

Bromance of the Three Kingdoms, Part II​

Check this shit out! On this smelly retail Maple$tory site (under Lunar New Year Permanent Equipment Covers) there are official™ face and hairstyles for those Three Kingdoms character costumes featured in Maple! (Here’s a link to the actual full image too.)

Official Three Kingdoms Maple Characters!​

I bet Diao Chan has Prudent Face, the best face in the game. Why didn’t they make a Lü Bu set though?

New character alert! The cast list continues to grow!

Shu Han​

Rather fine folks that serve under Liu Bei to restore the Han Dynasty. Eventually Shu Han becomes an empire under him, but we try not to talk about that, sort of ruins the story.

Sleeping Dragon​

• Zhuge Liang (Kongming): A famed strategist known as Sleeping Dragon. Liu Bei travels thrice to his residence, meeting him on the third visit, thus forever gaining Zhuge’s trust and admiration. Smarter than me, and definitely smarter than you.

Other​

Besides the actual Three Kingdoms people, there are some other relevantly irrelevant fuckers who sometimes pop up in the story.

The Love Triangle​

From Left to Right​

• Lü Bu (Fengxian): They try to make this guy the main character, but he’s too neurodivergent in a useless way, and basically is like a teenager mentally. Despite being a fully grown adult, keeps asking older men to adopt him because he MURDERED ALL OF HIS PAST ADOPTED FATHERS!!!!! Who the fuck would agree to adopt this guy? Basically his one and only talent bestowed upon him by Heaven is being really, really strong (and he’s got his girl Diao Chan, but she’s just playing both sides to come out on top). He’s got cute antennae at least. His neo-daddy Dong Zhuo was a piece of shit, so good on Lü Bu for killing that fuck. Why didn’t Lü Bu have to change his family name to Dong? It would have been a little funny. He also had a cool and SUPER FAST red horse called Red Hare (hare like a bunny, but it also literally has red hair too sometimes), and as the saying goes: Among men, Lü Bu; Among steeds, Red Hare.

• Dong Zhuo (Zhongying): To explain Lü Bu, you’ve gotta explain the fat sex offender behind him. He did a lot of bad shit, and I’m not sure how much is actually relevant to whatever this diary is. This dude seized control of Luoyang, the capital at the time, replaced the emperor with a younger more puppety emperor (still Han though), had an alliance form against him, burned up the capital and ran away to Chang’an which he then made the NEW capital which was spicy I guess, and was known to never once wash his stinking privates. He probably took Diao Chan’s innocence, which is the reason Lü Bu sliced him up into bacon.

• Diao Chan: Daughter of Wang Yun, a guy with a funny family name who was an old school Han dynasty minister man. She’s almost as kawaii as she is manipulative, because she basically tore up the whole shit with Dong Zhuo’s reign on purpose by courting both Dong Zhuo and his adopted son, Lü Bu. Diao-chan successfully enough follows through with her father’s plot to destroy the usurper. Did it save the Han dynasty? Uh…

A link to the full cast list can be found here!​

------------------------------------------------------------------------​

An Interview with the Author, Part II​

Q: An excerpt from Useless Dumb Shitter Mushroom’s comment,

“…What’s with the large animated GIF warnings? Merely a single megabyte? What is this, a GIF for ants??…”

A: Woah there! Those were some gigantic gifs if you ask me! You must be hooked right into the mainframe of the interwebs, buddy. I’m a huge fan of gifs! They just tie it all together nicely without feeling cold and webm-ey.

Q: More excepts from Useless Dumb Shitter Mushroom’s comments,

“En dashes (U+2013, –) aren’t used for breaks in sentences; that’s what em dashes (U+2014, —) are for.”

“Slight typo…”

“This should be ＜i＞, not ＜em＞…”

“Feel free to ignore this nitpick, but ＜strong＞ means that its contents are urgently important and must not be misread nor ignored… you want ＜b＞.”

A: I have a hard time differentiating between emphasis and italics, or strong and bold. My text editor also apparently has fucked me over and now I can only make things emphatic or strong. Why? What the hell happened to my italics and bold? HELP!

I think em dashes are fucking STUPID, they look EXTRA STUPID, and when I read the description of this crap on Wikipedia, it sure sounded like you could use an en dash for sentence breaks. I hate English. I’m just gonna commit to my broken process.

I’ve also decided to preserve any typos I make for future historians to study.

Q: An excerpt from Bort’s comment,

“＜em＞ is an additional 2 bytes… is not backwards compatible with all W3C html standards… is contextually equivalent to ＜i＞.”

A: Hey Bort, I don’t know why you’re getting all up in UDSM’s face. It seems you have it backwards, I’m actually the useless dumb shitter for using emphasis apparently. Help me make it italics I guess! Or not! It’s all the same to me!

Thanks for your awesome comments! Hope you all have a good poop!​

See You Next Time!​

Bai, nee~ ​

 

I'll just keep plugging this at the start of every crosspost I make here. Visit the greatest website on this side of the Whangpoo, Taimazone! As of this entry I've started hosting all of my images AND VIDEOS from here! Epic desu ne? ​

​

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Chapter 5: Yunchang Versus the Giant Centipede​

Inturduction​

Welcome back gamers and gametes. Did you like the custom image borders last chapter? I put a whole lot of effort into making them, even if some admittedly looked like shit (sorry about that, Thailand deserves better). Don’t worry, I’m going to refine them over time. I just really wanted that April 1st diary release date.

You probably recognize the font used for the image captions, too, because that’s literally the UI header font in Maple! I couldn’t find the actual font anywhere, and it seemed baked into the UI elements. So I just cut out the letters from some screenshots, made up the few missing characters and many symbols, then spent hours learning how to make it a usable font. Assuming the font doesn’t exist somewhere and I was just too dumb to find it, maybe I can release the font some time! It’s just a simple pixelly font, nothing too special.

Is this thing at all entertaining to read? I think the overly verbose fantasy angle is drawing out the action to a crawl, but this is really fun to write and make images for.

Anyway, let’s get farted.​

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Japan Desu​

Back to the Mushroom Shrine! Youkoso and all that shit! Yunchang bows once more to the great torii, and sets her eyes on the local food stalls.

Takoyaki, Ramen, and Delicious Dango!​

Yunchang uses her first Gachapon ticket! And gets her first trash scroll!

First Gacha​

Cape for LUK 60%… and Yunchang cannot even find any capes in the World Tour until level 50.

Yunchang feels a pull towards the strange well in the middle of the shrine. Just as she notices the weird yellow energy ball things emenating from the dark, she catches a strange sight. A wolf demon with a young girl?

Inuyasha and Kagome at the Spirit Well​

What? This must be one of those isekai anime spirit wells! Yunchang dives in head first…

She finds herself floating through an endless void. A force pulls her forwards, deeper into the dark. A light begins to shine around Yunchang as she is encapsulated in a sphere of pure spiritual energy.

Yunchang Inside the Spirit Ball​

The sphere of energy begins to vibrate and crack until finally it ruptures into many pieces. Yunchang feels the unbearable pain of her body splitting apart.

Yunchang Shatters​

In the great dark void, Yunchang can only think and dream. Time stretches on, forming an endless pool of lifeless experience. Days, months, years, lifetimes all pass before her. In her lonely mind, Yunchang feels the pain of death 1,000 times over as her old self is symbolically hurled through time and space.

Kind of Like This​

Yunchang finds herself transformed. With each barrage of pain, a bit more weakness leaves her body. The childish Yunchang of the past is no more. She is hardened into a true God of War – timeless, shapeless, infinite.

Finally, Yunchang finds peace. Stability. A fog begins to form. The fog becomes heavy, and drips into an boundless ocean. With her spear, Yunchang begins to churn the watery chaos until it hardens. Yunchang drops the thick brine from her speartip, and it forms into a great landmass.

Yunchang Creates the Japanese Archipelago​

Satisfied with her creation, Yunchang descends on to the island of Honshu.​

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A Blast Into the Past​

Back on solid ground and in human form, Yunchang collects herself. She’s still in Japan, but it’s so… feudal! She remembers – using the magic of the well, she’s traveled into the past!

She wastes no time and buys a fresh pair of Silver War Boots from Teyandei… and immediately fails a Shoes for Jump 10% on them.

New Boots, Same Old Scroll Failure​

She enters the Ninja Castle. Judging by all of the arrows, throwing stars, and knives lodged into the walls, this castle must have been captured under siege! Yunchang switches to her snowboard, which is definitely a viable weapon, and gets to work on thinning out the Genin.

Genin Slaying​

Rather than dropping dead, they simply turn into dolls. They don’t drop much of value, but these EXP rates have never been tastier.

Yunchang discovers her entrance to the castle. She explores the halls, slaying some Ashigaru and Genin, until she falls through a trap in the floor.

Ishirasu Is a Cutie​

She stumbles upon a grocer? In this warzone? Ishirasu claims his immense wealth comes from the many adventurers buying out his cider supply. Yunchang stocks up on some Hard Cider, gets tipsy, and gets back to battle. She hits level 32!

Ding, Level 32!​

Excellent progress, Yunchang! The audience was wondering when you’d make literally any measurable progress outside of this ridiculous story!

She’s had enough of the Ninja Castle, and wants to get back to the future. Yunchang returns through the well, back to Mushroom Shrine, and gets to work on that photograph of the moon she had promised to the Baby Moon Bunny.

Luckily, the well is much kinder to Yunchang this time, and she does not have to suffer the pain of a thousand deaths! What a relief.

She heads deep into the woods. At the end of the Crow Forest lies a sign warning her not to go ahead.

“Abunai!” – or “Danger!”​

Abunai indeed! Past the sign, the sun immediately drops out of the sky, and is replaced by a gigantic moon! And the place is swarming with horrific Zombie Mushrooms!

Yunchang tries to snap a photograph of the glorious moon over Fuji, but the camera’s shutter won’t budge.

Maybe the Crescent Moon Isn’t Ideal for the Picture…​

Yunchang traces her steps backwards, hoping to get a better angle. She stumbles upon many Paper Lantern Ghost yokai, but MISSes every stab. In this place, the full moon shines bright like a gentle lantern in the night sky. Yunchang tries to snap another picture!

Maybe this Camera Should Go Fuck Itself…​

FAILURE AGAIN. Sorry, Baby Moon Bunny, but your camera is borked to hell. She supposes that the Moon Bunnies would like a more Korean view of the moon. Too bad, the World Tour doesn’t offer any Korean destinations. Yunchang sighs and accepts that it wasn’t meant to be.

Still feeling a thirst for exploration, she heads past the Doubutsu no Mori (Forest of Animals) towards the Showa Town, a land basking eternally in a sunset bliss.

Blissful Brick Bashing​

But the Yakuza patrolling the streets are too much for her, and are loaded up with modern firearms! Yunchang gets the hell out of there, quickly!

------------------------------------------------------------------------​

Iron Maiden​

A short rest on the Mushroom Shrine bench later, Yunchang again partakes in the Bunny Space Program, rocketing off to the moon. In this meeting place between worlds, she switches her choice of guild.

Ironman – Now Recruiting!​

She’s sad to part ways with Flow after becoming so familiar with the peepee stench of its members. Flow won’t be too far away – they are still present in the magical alliance chat! Ironman is new to the Suboptimal alliance and needs a bit of help to grow, and so Yunchang places her faith in her new guild.

Back to feudal Japan, and back to the Ninja Castle! Yunchang shreds the foot soldiers to bits until they surrender some equipment.

A Fearsome Weapon for a Fearsome Warrior​

A Janitor’s Mop! Some may laugh at this silly polearm, but Yunchang is pleased to wield any weapon she’s claimed from her enemies using her own two hands.

She also finds a White Kendo Robe, but I guess it’s for men only. BOO, de-gender the equips already!

The Ashigaru spit up blood as they are mopped to bits, and eventually, they also spit up a Blue Bamboo Hat! 4 STR by the way!

Blue Bamboo Hat​

Yunchang has obtained everything she came to get. After hitting level 33…

Like, Fucking Ding? Level 33? Let’s Fucking Go?​

Yunchang reluctantly adds more base INT because this game is a piece of fucking trash and she’ll never be able to do a single HP challenge in her life! Then she takes her leave of the besieged castle. Back to Mushroom Shrine, already.

Taking after local shrine custom, Yunchang mops up some fresh offerings. Praise the mushroom spirits!

Mopping Up Offerings​

She approaches the Miko of the shrine, Kino Konoko, and receives a much less awkward response this time. Kino-chan needs help cleaning up the shrine, and asks Yunchang to swipe 100 Crow Feathers from around the forest. Luckily, our hero already has over 100 Crow Feathers. She promises to clean more feathers in the future – and she WILL, considering that Crows are one of few places where Shoes for Jump 30% can be obtained.

Kino-chan has another task for Yunchang: Eliminate 100 Fire Raccoons. Yunchang accepts, and wonders if they’ll be regular raccoons or raccoon dogs (also knows as tanuki). Off to the Doubutsu no Mori! Shimashou ne!

Doubutsu no Mori​

It’s very peaceful here, but Yunchang must disturb the peace of nature. Sorry, tanukis and kitsunes, but you’re multiplying too fast and disturbing the shrinegoers. She slays many of their bastard offspring, and Kino-chan is quite pleased.

Locally Made Fish Cakes​

PEE MOP ACQUIRED. This thing is REALLY slow, probably due to all the pee it’s soaked up. Useless, but a great find.

Pee Mop​

Another fame for Yunchang! Yahoo!

Kargo Fames Yunchang​

And she gets some new earrings! One pair for when she hits level 35, and one pair to equip right now~

Neko’s Eye and Gold Earrings​

Level 34, and more base INT acquired.

Level 34 Status Update​

More shrine offerings, and Yunchang mops them up gracefully.

Mop, Mop​

Back to the Doubutsu no Mori! Yunchang scores a pair of Mithril Battle Grieves! Anyone notice how this game can’t decide how to spell Greaves? Greave, Greaves, Grieves… just pick one!

Mithril Battle Grieves​

Per tradition, they are below average stats, and Yunchang fails yet another Shoes for Jump 10%.

Level 35!!!!

Oh Yeah!!!!​

Yunchang is feeling pretty powerful now. She tries again to push her way through the crowds of Yakuza…

And There Were a LOT of Yakuza​

Yunchang reaches Showa Town! First stop: the onsen, of course!

A Warrior’s Rest​

Shinta’s weapon display hosts a number of rare weapons. Among them is the Bow of Magical Destruction. Yet another mystery, to be sure.

After buying some more Hard Cider, Yunchang stops by a woman wearing a beautiful pink kimono. Hanako-san asks for help gathering Cloud Foxtails to create a wonderful muffler. Yunchang is a muffler wearer herself, so hands over some of the MANY Foxtails she’s already gathered.

Hanako’s Fuwafuwa Muffler​

Apparently, that isn’t good enough for Hanako-san. She insists that she asked for 300 Cloud Foxtails just a second ago, and scolds Yunchang. Yunchang wishes to declare bullshit, but just hands over the Foxtails. Enjoy, I guess.

Experience Gaining Sounds​

Yunchang greets the Item Trader, and engages with the Showa Exchange for the first time! We’ll take a took at her reward compilation later on, during The Bounty of the Han.

She heads to leave the Showa Street Market, but is stopped by Hanako-san again. She demands that Yunchang gathers even more Cloud Foxtails, to make her a matching coat (to go with her already extravagant kimono and muffler). Whatever, as long as she’ll reward more of that phat experience.

Yunchang drinks a delicious Strawberry Milk, which doubles as a transportation potion, and is warped back to Kinoko Jinja!

She takes another trip to the moon, and gains another upgrade to her Octoblessed Ring (currently +4 all stats)! She “rescues” Gaga a few more times, getting an impressive enough time of 00:36.242, and then has a run-in with more Toilets. The Toilet asks if Yunchang would like to join the Toilet gang, but Yunchang has already dedicated herself to an iron-clad cause.

TWEAKIN with the Toilets​

Yunchang meets with rusa, the least powerful Dark Knight to ever grace the land! What she lacks in strength, she makes up for in pure surfer attitude.

Cowabunga, My Dudes​

The two swap fame, and go their separate ways.

Enough messing around; time to gather those Foxtails, Yunchang! She finds the lair of the Cloud Foxen (the official plural version of “Fox”), and beats many Foxen into a fine paste with her mop. Until…

What’s This?​

They drop a Sapphire Fitted Mail! Oh my goodness, The Look™ is seriously coming together now! Yunchang is so blue, she almost looks like she could be serving under Cao Wei. You know, it all depends on your color scheme of choice. I am so fucking good at finding reliable sources, no need to thank me for my intense research. If you like shitty Koei games like I do, then Cao Wei is blue, I guess.

After gathering the last of the Cloud Foxtails, Yunchang drinks some Fruit Milk, and instantly pops back to Showa Town. She tries her hand at another Showa Exchange, and then delivers the Foxtails to Hanako-san.

A Great Bounty of Quest Experience​

Yunchang hopes that Hanako-san is finally pleased, and won’t think up another bullshit task on the spot. By the way, did you know that Hanako-san is a total hippy? Her name literally means Flower Child. Knowledge is power.

Another teleportation beverage later, and Yunchang gets to chill on the Kinoko Jinja bench. And here comes the Beginner girl yet again. Yunchang’s got another spare Yellow Valentine Rose taking up space in her inventory, so lets the cute noob have it.

A Rose for a Japanese Idol​

After a break, Yunchang is ready to fire herself back into orbit. Specifically, onto the moon, which is orbiting Earth. This same moon orbits Maple World too, I guess?

Yunchang receives a task to slay 100 Sheep! Yes yes, another doable event raffle!

Here We Go Again​

But first, Yunchang does a bit of space mining on her Spacehorse, and some jump questing. She spots the eternal Beginner champion, OmokTeacher! He deserves a fame!

God He’s So Stylish​

The Cloud Foxen hunt resumes! Yunchang plans to collect a few hundred more Cloud Foxtails, then hand them in at the Showa Exchange, hoping to get a Pink Bandana. If she’s lucky, she may even score a Newspaper Hat in the process.

But first, she gets an even better Sapphire Fitted Mail! 5 DEX, fucking epic!

New Overall Alert​

She chooses to walk to Showa Town this time, and mops away a Yakuza member’s life force using her, uh, Mop. 200 more Cloud Foxtails later, and the Exchange just gives her more trash potions. Yunchang doesn’t really like potions, and prefers to eat real food.

More Cloud Foxen hunting! Yunchang hits level 36!

AWW YEAH!​

In the midst of the hunt, Cortical appears!

…And Begins to Sekuhara Yunchang​

After some sekuhara between friends, the two share a bountiful feast of dango and dilk (short for reindeer milk).

A Dango and Dilk Feast!​

And they engage in yet another grand battle of wits! Two studied military minds mash their brain folds together in an ultimate battle. The purity of Yunchang’s Ironwoman challenge hangs in the balance.

The Stakes Are High​

Of course, Yunchang loses. Her base INT must be a bit low. She accepts Cortical’s trade with tears welling in her eyes.

A Sad Day for Ironmen​

Cortical hangs around for a while, watching the Foxen get their brains bashed one by one. Yunchang takes Cortical’s continued taunts as a challenge to improve herself.

Cortical Spouts More Demotivations​

Yunchang finds a Frying Pan, with a long-since-fried egg still attached! Given that this thing was also a part of Shinta’s weapon display, it must possess some rare ability that currently lies dormant. Or something.

With one last epic troll move, Cortical parts ways with Yunchang. She’s not sure if this scroll can warp one back to Shanghai, and she decides to not even try.

Shanghai Wai-Tan Warp Scroll​

Yunchang discovers the sword belonging to Diao Chan! I don’t recall Diao Chan owning a sword, so what is this? A prop sword for dancing? I doubt this thing is supposed to be the Seven Star Blade. Regardless, Yunchang keeps this magnificent relic of the Three Kingdoms!

The Diao Chan Sword​

After a bit more slaying, Yunchang heads back to the shrine for a bit of good old fashioned hard labor.

Volunteering at the Yakisoba Stand​

And Yunchang runs into the friendly and extremely cute adventurer, AzureRain! After a small talk about Ironwoman restrictions, the two become friends, and Yunchang receives a fresh fame. Thanks, AzureRain!

There’s Nothing Like a Whipping Between Friends​

Oh yes! Yes, yes! Yunchang obtains a Newspaper Hat!

The Newspaper Samurai Helmet​

And she hits level 37!

The Mushroom Spirits Are Pleased​

Yunchang feels very satisfied with her progress. She owes a lot to the Kinoko Jinja, and decides to give back. She takes a few items from her pack, some of which were dear possessions, and offers them to the shrine. Just as life is fleeting, so is inventory space.

Gotta Mop Those Offerings​

Yunchang returns to Showa Town on foot. The old man Tsuri-san eyes Yunchang, and catches her attention. Apparently, he has been searching for the Newspaper Hat. He seems to want to unfold it so that he can read “The Diary of the Snails,” a cartoon published daily in The Maple Times. A shoutout to Journalist, one of the masterminds behind this diligent news source!

The Maple Times – Referenced In-Game!​

For returning the newspaper, now unfolded and no longer a Newspaper Hat, Yunchang receives an Overall Armor for DEX 30% scroll! In silence, she applies the scroll to her armor…

Successful Scrolling!​

Oh yeah. Just what she needed – her Fitted Mail now has 10 DEX, 3 Accuracy, and 1 Speed! Excellent!

Yunchang wants to capitalize on her luck, so hits up the Showa Exchange. She’s rewarded with TWO Pink Bandanas of equal stats – 8 Wdef, 3 Speed! She takes a trip back to the onsen, and uses her second Common Gachapon Ticket. Green Hunter’s Armor; trash, but sellable trash this time.

Showa Spa Trashapon​

She drinks some milkies, teleporting back to Mushroom Shrine. She leaves a few more offerings, and mops them away, just the way Kamisama wishes.

Mop, Mop, Mop!​

She checks the server time, and decides that she’s spent enough time in glorious Nippon. Raise the sails, or steam clouds, or whatever! Time to head back to Shanghai!

------------------------------------------------------------------------​

The Middle Kingdom​

Back to Shanghai, a paradoxical place of towering cityscapes and flat farmlands! Yunchang notices that she can actually control the course of the river ferry by walking left or right.

Controlling the River Ferry​

Time to get to work; 100 Sheep must bleat their last bleat. No screenshots needed, it was fucking easy. Yunchang offers up her Strawberry Milk of Teleportation to the great river Whangpoo, as she’ll need a Use slot.

Offering to Whangpoo​

For her efforts, Yunchang is rewarded with Myo Myo the Traveling Salesman. I hope Myo Myo likes living in the Cash inventory, because that’s where it’s staying (this shop is forbidden in World Tour Lock). The good news is, Yunchang’s Octoblessed Ring is now +6 all stats!

Yunchang joins a party… with other players in it. Oh, this doesn’t look good with the Ironman guild tag. It’s just for a bit of fun at the jump quest, so you guys can keep a secret, right?

It’s Party Time​

The fastest time I was able to record was 00:33.696, but unfortunately that was not on Yunchang, so I can’t share the video here…

Yunchang gets two useless raffle tasks in a row. But her Octoblessed Ring becomes +7 all stats! Wowee!

Feeling confident and powerful, Yunchang is ready to defeat some Plow Oxen. Back to the fields! She equips her Pink Bandana for extra Speed, and gets to work.

Yunchang Destroying Plow Oxen, Plus Level 37 Status Update​

Finally, she gathers 100 Plows! She receives the Tripod from Mr. Yang, the old farmer with a bad back.

Tripod Get​

Now, Yunchang can return this thing to Cho the photographer. With great disappointment in his demeanor, Cho takes her ID picture – he’s a lot less interested in Yunchang now that she’s clothed up.

Cho the Pootographer​

More ungulate slaying! Yunchang gets some sweet Skull Earrings, which she’ll save for when she hits level 50.

LEVEL 38, MOTHERDUCKERS!

Quacking Some Cow Skulls​

Yunchang grabs another useless raffle that she cannot complete. Then, she gives up more dear possessions to the Whangpoo. Goodbye, earrings and axes~

For the River Whangpoo!​

------------------------------------------------------------------------​

The Divine Physician’s Pharmacopeia​

Heading back to the fields again (this is getting repetitive). She has a run-in with the Giant Centipede, and studies its attacks carefully…

Studying the Giant Centipood​

This centipede has a lot of attacks! It can gather electricity around its “ultimate legs,” or hind pincers, and shoot a single spine from the ground. It can create a weird barbed wire circle thing, and shoot a fuckton of spines from the ground! And lastly, it can unleash what looks like toxic fart gas all around itself. Yuck.

So what’s the fuckin’ deal with this centipede? Why is this thing in particular ravaging China’s farmlands? The answer is, I have no idea, but let’s unearth some bullshit anyway!

The Giant Centipede seems to resemble the Chinese red-headed centipede, a centipede that is pretty darn huge in real life at 20 cm (8 in). It feeds on LIVE ANIMALS OR INSECTS by fucking blasting them with venom containing neurotoxin. My god…

I forgot basically everything I learned in my biology classes, but this is INDEED a spooky toxin. With this shit, they can fuckblast prey up to 15x its already ridiculous size, disrupting their cardiovascular, respiratory, muscular, and nervous systems all at once. No… no thanks.

Evil Fucker​

Apparently this venom stuff has been concentrated into venom-based poisons (known as Gu, or also Ku I guess, I can’t read Chinese in any form…) for thousands of years in certain Chinese cultures. How did they concentrate the centipede juice into a powerful, potent poison? Well, from this very good and always 100% correct source we can learn…

“The traditional preparation of gu poison involved sealing several venomous creatures (e.g., centipede, snake, scorpion) inside a closed container, where they devoured one another and allegedly concentrated their toxins into a single survivor, whose body would be fed upon by larvae until consumed. The last surviving larva held the complex poison. Gu was used in black magic practices such as manipulating sexual partners, creating malignant diseases, and causing death.”

Holy fuck. Apparently this shit can also be used as an antidote for gu poisoning itself! Let’s keep reading…

The 8th-century pharmacologist Chen Cangqi explains using venomous creatures both to produce and cure gu-poison.

“In general reptiles and insects, which are used to make ku, are cures for ku; therefore, if we know what ku is at work, we may remedy its effects. Against ku of snakes that of centipedes should be used, against ku of centipedes that of frogs, against ku of frogs that of snakes, and so on. Those varieties of ku, having the power of subduing each other, may also have a curative effect.”

Whatever you say, Chen Cangqi. Maybe you’re right, or maybe the Divine Physician (and Ancient Cannabis Tincture Producer) Hua Tuo is rolling in his grave right now.

Despite containing one of the “Five Deadly Venoms,” (which come from the following animals: snakes, scorpions, centipedes, toads, and spiders) these fuckers have some use in traditional Chinese medicine, and can be eaten WHOLE (or prepared in various other ways) as either food or as a medicinal supplement. Why? Just why?

Apparently the “why” is that this neurotoxin shit contained in the whole, dried centipede “…are used whole to treat various medical issues, including joint problems (which is its major use), alopecia areata, stroke, convulsions, lymphangitis, lumps or masses, neoplasm, poisonous tumours, carbuncles, and snake bites.”

If I’m having a stroke, the last thing I want is a goddamn 8 inch long centipede crammed into my mouth, but sure. Joint problems though? Maplers, we have a solution to your poor-posture-induced back pain.

Centipedes Eaten, Thigh Highs On. Yup, It’s Mapling Time.​

No more need for posture checks! Wow! Mr. Yang in Shanghai should try this shit.​

------------------------------------------------------------------------​

Plowing the Fields​

Back to the action! The moocows spit up a couple more interesting drops! Yunchang gets an Omok Table, which she’ll never be able to craft into a full Omok set – the World Tour only offers Orange Mushroom Omok Pieces. And she gets a Red Jangoon Armor top, with grey stats.

Useless but Stylish Topwear​

She digs her mop into more cows. From one cow’s stomach(s) pops out a Jousting Helmet! Yunchang tries it on, but she can barely see, and she sweats up a storm inside the heated metal facetrap. Oh well, at least it can be sold for some Mesos.

How Did FangBlade Wear This Thing?​

Yunchang finds a Red Whip that gives slightly more Speed, so offers her old whip to the Whangpoo.

Whed Rip Gone​

She gathers some Rooster and Sheep cards, then gives up a bunch of Chicken Foots and Duck Eggs to Owner Yeo for more Corn Sticks and Fruit Sticks~

In the cow fields again, Yunchang hits level 39!

And She’s Fucking PUMPED​

Another useless, useless raffle. But let’s show off another status update.

Level 39 Status Update​

She’s holding on to that 1 extra AP until the Octoblessed Ring is fully blessed. Let’s take a look at Yunchang’s Monster Book, too!

Monster Book Compilation​

------------------------------------------------------------------------​

Yunchang Versus the Giant Centipede​

It’s time for revenge. Yunchang prepares to destroy the horrifying centipede. She prepares her mop and calms her mind. It’s VIDEO TIME.

I Can't Embed This Video Here, So Here's a Direct Link!
Yunchang Versus the Giant Centipede​

VICTORY! She even gets a Giant Centipede card! Oh fuck yes.

After all that, Officer Lim still won’t accept Yunchang’s help. Sometimes, you just have to let losers lose.

Please Let Yunchang Help…​

Yunchang hunts some Black Goat cards to finish off the set. In the process, she hits the big 4-0!

That Spells 40!​

Yunchang turns in 100 more Duck Egg for more Corn Stick. Yummer. She does more chores in space, and gets a fresh 100 Sheep raffle. While on the moon, she meets with the strongest Bishop in the world, cervid! The two swap fame!

cervid and Yunchang Swap Fame​

She also spies some sweet cosplayers. As an anime fan, Yunchang appreciates the Gabriel Dropout looks! She doesn’t get the chance to get their attention, and misses her screenshot of Raphiel, but oh well.

Animetastic Cosplayers​

AND NOW, THE GREATEST RAFFLE REWARD EVER – nope, just food. Check out that FAT MESO STACK though!

Dumblings​

rusa finds our hero relaxing in Shanghai Wai-Tan! They share a chat and some laughs.

And Some Vomit​

Another useless raffle… and another after that… and another after that… and another… ant anodher…

An uprising of angry rafflegoers breaks out.

The Lion Tail Club​

On the final day of the Lunar New Year event, Yunchang receives a 100 Genin slaying task.

Her reward? 3 Owls of Minerva…

Bowel Movement​

As the Moon Bunny Space Program packs up to leave town, Yunchang spends her Rabbit Currency on some souvenirs, buying out the entire shop.

Sayonara, Tsuki no Usagi~​

Yunchang puts on a brave face, but the tears start flowing as soon as she departs from the moon.​

------------------------------------------------------------------------​

Chousen no Tsuki​

Nope, it’s not time to say sayonara yet. Yunchang prepares for one last Moon Bunny quest.

The Treetop Village, Yet Again​

Time for a travel montage!

Flying High Above the Clouds​

From the City of Orbs, she takes a crane ride, nestled in a sack dangling under the bird’s neck. This is perhaps the most dangerous part of her whole journey.

Hold On for Dear Life​

She reaches the idyllic Mu Lung village, a place blossoming with peaches, aspiring panda monks, and martial arts masters (who are also pandas). This peaceful place tucked away in the mountains reminds Yunchang of the story of the Peach Blossom Spring.

Yet Another Guandao Spotted​

But she’s got to keep moving. She asks the crane for another terrifying flight. As she nears the Herb Town, the clouds begin to thicken and grow heavy, blanketing the landscape.

She discovers the source of the great fog!

The Largest Bong in the World​

After a few heavy puffs, Yunchang continues her quest. The dolphins assist her, taking her deep beneath the ocean, where she can somehow still breathe. Maple World is an odd place.

Deep Sea Diving​

Still high as balls, she pops out of a well and into the Korean Folk Town! This is a mystical place where folk tales of old are brought to life.

The Old Kay Eff Tea​

Yunchang sets her eyes on the far off Black Mountain. She follows the forest trail…

What In Tarnation?​

OUCH! A wild Moon Bunny strikes Yunchang with its pounder, while another bites her arm! What the fuck, Moon Bunnies? Apparently this competing faction of Moon Bunnies holds jealousy over not actually living on the moon, and wish to stall Yunchang’s quest.

She pushes forward, evading the bunny pounding.

And she comes face to face with the ghost of a scholar, who desperately appeals to Yunchang for release.

Scholarly Spirits​

But this Korean town and countryside is merely a figment of Yunchang’s blazed as fuck imagination, so she does not interfere.

She climbs to the highest peak of Black Mountain.

Atop Black Mountain​

Yunchang brandishes the Instant Camera for one last photo attempt. She aims her lens at the moon, and hears a shutter sound. SUCCESS!

She traces her steps back, and can’t wait to return to the Baby Moon Bunny.

Along the way, she spots a huge shell that wasn’t present before.

The Wondrous Seruf Shell​

And takes a few more giant puffs of Herb Town reefer before taking a dip.

Herb Town Spa​

Alright, that’s enough fun, and she’s ready to depart for real. Back in the Treetop Village, Yunchang sets off once more for the archipelago of Zipangu, so she can finally rocket away to the moon.

Baby Moon Bunny is so pleased with the photograph, and Yunchang feels overwhelmed with immense pride. She receives perhaps the greatest souvenir of all, with which she can always remember her bunny friends.

Pink Hare Chair​

Yunchang departs for the last time from the moon, waving a final goodbye with a smile.​

------------------------------------------------------------------------​

The Bounty of the Han​

There’s a lot to cover this time! Many monster cards from two different regions, Showa Exchanges, and Gachapon rewards! Let’s get to it.

The Great Bounty of the Han feat. Level1Crook​

Okay, I definitely fucked up and forgot to screenshot some of these monster cards, both in this entry and the last one. Let’s, uh, do a full card tally here to wrap up these numbers for sure.

Monster Book

• Red
  - Orange Mushroom (5/5)
  - Green Mushroom (5/5)
• Orange
  - Blue Mushroom (5/5)
  - Crow (1/5)
  - Fire Raccoon (5/5)
  - Cloud Fox (5/5)
  - Genin (1/5)
  - Rooster (5/5)
  - Duck (5/5)
  - Sheep (5/5)
  - Goat (5/5)
• Lime
  - Ligator (2/5)
  - Black Goat (4/5)
  - Cow (5/5)
  - Plow Ox (5/5)
• Yellow
  - Giant Centipede (1/5)

Woah there! Let’s not forget about all the NX and Gacha Tickets Yunchang got! There’s so fucking many, yeah I’m kinda lucky, fuckin’ deal with it nerd.

The Bounty of the Han: IN SPACE​

Pretty sweet right?

Showa Exchange Results

Total Equips Obtained: 2

• Pink Bandana
  - 8 Wdef
  - 3 Speed
• Pink Bandana
  - 8 Wdef
  - 3 Speed

100 Raccoon Firewood

Total attempts: 4

• 5 White Potion
• 15 Takoyaki (Octopus Ball)
• 20 Blue Potion
• Mana Elixir

100 Crow Feather

Total attempts: 1

• Mana Elixir

100 Cloud Foxtail

Total attempts: 13

• 10 Blue Potion
• 20 Blue Potion x4
• 10 White Potion
• 20 White Potion x2
• Pink Bandana x2
• Mana Elixir x2
• 15 Takoyaki (Octopus Ball)

Yep, lots of trash! Those Pink Bandanas are pretty sexy though.

Common Gachapon

Total Tickets Used: 2

• Scroll for Cape for LUK 60%
• Green Hunter’s Armor

Rare Gachapon

Total Tickets Used: 0

Trashapon…

The Great Bounty:

• 3,058,213 Mesos
• 12,250 Vote Cash
• 18 Common Gacha
• 6 Rare Gacha

A little clarification, The Great Bounty totals up every gachapon ticket Yunchang has ever gotten, including USED Gacha Tickets. The Meso and Vote Cash counts represent only what Yunchang currently has at the conclusion of the chapter. She has not spent any Vote Cash yet! Nope, not even on vomit faces! All vomit scenes thus far were created using state of the art CGI technology.

What’s the difference between a GREAT Bounty of the Han and a regular Bounty of the Han? Nothing at all really. It’s just nice to mix it up.

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Yunchang’s List of Challenges, Restrictions, and Exceptions​

In case you have no fucking idea what’s happening with Yunchang in this playthrough, but have been reading along anyway…

Ongoing Challenges​

• The World Tour Challenge
  - Status: Ongoing Foreverial for All Time
  - Summary: Yunchang must spend her entire life inside Spinel’s World Tour, unless an exception allows leaving. Event maps connected to the World Tour are always allowed.
• The Six Weapons of the Three Kingdoms
  - Status: Ongoing, 1/6 Collected
  - Summary: Within the World Tour are six weapons belonging to legendary Chinese historical figures. Obtaining all six of these might do something, maybe? This seems like an okay goal to have.
  - Diao Chan Sword obtained on March 16, 2023 from a Cloud Fox at Zipangu : The Mountain of Cloud Fox.
• No Fap Challenge
  - Status: Ongoing, and the Urges Will Never Cease
  - Summary: Just don’t masturbate, ever. What would the twenty four emperors of the Great Han think if they saw you spurting dick milk? Have some self respect.

Completed Challenges​

• Naked Challenge
  - Status: Complete
  - Summary: Upon entering the World Tour, Yunchang is naked. Shops will refuse to sell items or provide services to Yunchang unless she is fully clothed. Interactions with other NPCs will also be more awkward. When completely naked, it’s better to just live in the wilderness. Yunchang completed this challenge on March 13, 2023 by obtaining a Yellow Engrit from a Ligator at Thailand : Toad Pond.

Restrictions​

• Ironwoman: You all know what Ironman is already. No trade, no party, no fun ever.
• Slow Travel: Upon entering one of four self-contained World Tour zones (Shanghai, Shaolin Temple, Thailand, Zipangu), Yunchang may not travel via Spinel for three real-time days. Every server reset subtracts one full day.
• No Vote: Vote Cash may only be obtained through monster drops and event rewards.
• No FM/CS/Channel Hop Abuse: No warping around using these methods for faster travel. Use of the Free Market button at all is forbidden. AFKing in the Cash Shop is always permitted.

Exceptions​

These are tougher to summarize, and there’s a lot of small exceptions I don’t want to list individually here. Let’s just list off any new exceptions added. Here’s some fresh event-specific exceptions.

• Partying/trading with other characters for harmless fun that does not result in gaining items, Mesos, experience, or forward in-game progress in any other way is okay (but still a little sketchy). This includes partaking in the Lunar New Year 2023 Jump Quest with friends, or being forced to accept an empty trade with Cortical after losing a battle of minds.
• The Slow Travel restriction may be lifted to access daily event raffles. The raffle must take place within the World Tour. The Slow Travel three day countdown begins anew after entering the zone one wishes to complete a raffle in.
• Leaving the World Tour is permitted to complete the following quest(s):
  - “What does the moon look like?” from Baby Moon Bunny (Lunar New Year 2023)

Baby Moon Bunny’s quest has been added as an exception to the World Tour Challenge rules, if those weren’t enough of an unreadable mess already.

Let it be known that Yunchang followed her Slow Travel restriction completely during this event! The viable raffles were perfectly spaced out, or took place in the same area on consecutive days. I’m just adding this exception for the future.

Oh and if Event AP Resets don’t come back next event I’m probably junking that No Vote restriction. I don’t think anyone cares about that one much.

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Interview with the Author, Part III​

Q: Reading your diary gave me terminal butt rabies. Now I need to spend the rest of my short life hooked up to a butt ventilator. What do you have to say for yourself, you sick freak?

A: This is the intended effect of reading Guan Yunchang’s World Tour Diary! I feel blessed to have such dedicated fans.

Q: Hey, in last entry’s Bromance of the Three Kingdoms, Part II section you seemed to categorize characters from Journey to the West as Romance of the Three Kingdoms characters! Don’t you know a fucking thing about Chinese literature, you ignorant Western piece of shit?

A: I definitely forgot to mention these guys specifically, and I’ll add in a disclaimer to the master Bromance post about them. Sun Wukong (the Monkey King), Zhu Bajie (Pigsy), and I assume the last one is Tang Sanzang (the Longevity Monk) are obviously not part of the Three Kingdoms history at all, but I didn’t want to crop them out of the image either. Oh also feel free to correct me if I got their names wrong. I don’t actually know that much about Journey to the West, I’ve only ever seen a film rendition and it was a comedy…

Yunchang Gets Hacked!​

Guys, Yunchang got hacked and lost all her shit on April 1st, 2023. I’m so UPSET just looking at this login screen I won’t ever log in ever again. If anyone knows the culprit please report them to the GMs so they can be sent to a prison colony in Siberia. Thank you.

Bai, nee~ ​