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[Guide] How to Apologize

Discussion in 'Guides' started by jesscapades, Jun 28, 2021.

  1. jesscapades
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    jesscapades Pac Pinky

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    Hello,

    I see lots of apologies on the forum, discord, and in-game chats that come off as insincere. I believe this happens unintentionally, so I figured I’d write a short guide on apologies! I promise this isn’t a shitpost. I genuinely want this to help make the community a less toxic place, because writing a bad apology can often make bad situations even worse.

    The Structure of an Apology
    There are two key elements to an apology:
    1. Admission of fault: if you don’t own up to what you did, your apology will not sound genuine
    2. Acknowledgement of the other party’s feelings: display empathy and understanding of how your actions affected others
    *bonus* 3. Plan for the future: reassure the other party that you’ll learn from this mistake

    Sample Apology
    Here’s a barebones sample apology that incorporates all of these elements:
    “I realize I did <action>, and that was wrong of me. I can see that it caused <negative effect>. I am sorry for doing that, and in the future I will make sure that I don’t do <action> again.”

    Pro Tip #1
    Conditional statements are the bread and butter of bad apologies; they communicate that you don’t think the other person’s feelings are valid, and that you’re only sorry that you got caught. For example,
    • DON’T say: “If you’re offended, then I’m sorry.”
    • DO say: “What I said was offensive. I’m sorry.”

    Pro Tip #2
    Don't try to shift the blame to someone/something else--own up to what you did. Even if you think you're in the right, even after careful consideration of what the other party is feeling/thinking, sometimes the better outcome for everyone is to just put your pride aside and apologize without excuses.
    • DON'T say: "What I said was offensive and I'm sorry, but I said it because you were making me angry."
    • DO say: "What I said was offensive and I'm sorry. There's no excuse for my behaviour."
    If the situation is complicated and you really feel the need to explain yourself, you have to do so very carefully because 9 times out of 10 it will come off as insincere.
    • DON'T say: "I completely understand how my actions made you mad. I did it because ____"
      • The last thing people hear here is your excuse. It leaves a bad impression.
    • DO say: "I completely understand how my actions made you mad. I did it because ____, but I know there's no excuse for what I did. I shouldn't have done it and I'm sorry."

    Thanks for reading! I hope that we can all be more empathetic towards each other.
     
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  2. Bambo
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    Bambo Stone Golem

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    This is so wholesome omg ty
     
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  3. Feeed
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    Feeed Mr. Anchor

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    I realize I originally reacted to this post with a toxic funny, and that was wrong of me. I can see that it encouraged others not to take this post seriously. I am sorry for doing that, and in the future I will make sure that I don’t react with toxic funny again.

    (I'm j/k I never actually did that, this is wholesome af and I hope people read and apply this <3)
     
    • Funny Funny x 9
  4. whatdatoast
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    whatdatoast Windraider

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    Hi NiseNise. I realize that I said some scathing things about staff during the various mage nerfs in the past, specifically the IL shaolin nerf. Now that I am a retired, I realized how necessary those nerfs for the health of the server. I apologize, and hope staff can continue to nerf mages.
     
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  5. Precel
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    Precel Zakum Retired Staff

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    FerlucioFerlucio I realize I bully you on discord, but you really have to cook better than that. I can see that it caused others to laugh at you along with me. Am I really sorry for doing that? In the future I will make sure that I don’t bully again if you become a supervisor.
     
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  6. Ferluci
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    Ferluci Zakum Retired Staff

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    Since there hasn't been a guide yet on how to accept an apology I will try my best by myself

    Thank you, I accept your apology and I will try to be a better chef. Please continue to provide guides for me for a steak.
     
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  7. TWW
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    TWW Pink Teddy

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    sneed :rolleyes:

    edit: i am sorry for typing sneed
    [​IMG]
     
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  8. Pixel
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    Pixel Mixed Golem

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    Why do i feel this post is just Jess wanting to expect an apology from the mods
     
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  9. yogurtseller
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    yogurtseller Mixed Golem

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    I realize I did <create hammer mules>, and that was wrong of me. I can see that it caused <paladin nerfs>. I am sorry for doing that, and in the future I will make sure that I don’t do <create hammer mules> again

    there you go SelquinSelquin :yay:
     
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  10. OP
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    jesscapades
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    jesscapades Pac Pinky

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    If I wanted that then I’d ask them directly. Not sure where this opinion is coming from, cause I literally called out one of the staff members on that thread for writing a bad apology.
     
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  11. -ovv
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    -ovv Horntail

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    Various cultures have differing norms as to what qualifies as an appropriate apology, so it's not a one-size-fits-all situation.

    For example, here's a video of how Japanese people apologize:

     
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  12. Boxy
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    Boxy Chronos

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    I feel it varies from people to people but I agree that there are no "standard template" for an apology.

    Similar to "A prayer comes from the heart" so does an apology. A simple "I am sorry" or "sorry" from someone who means it could hold more weight compared to someone who gives a speech on how sorry he/she is.

    In the end, it boils down to the intent and future actions of the person apologising.. not the method of apologising.
     
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  13. Ainz
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    Ainz Zakum

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    Well, that's probably exactly where aforementioned opinion is coming from lmao?
     
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  14. OP
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    jesscapades
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    jesscapades Pac Pinky

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    I'm not sure if I'm understanding then. I was refuting the claim that I was being passive aggressive about staff apologies by showing an example where I was not passive aggressive about staff apologies.
     
  15. Ainz
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    Ainz Zakum

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    Ah, that makes sense. The reason I commented what I did was because I thought your comment in that one cursed thread could have been interpreted as displaying your intention to call staff out. That could have tainted the way this post was interpreted.
     
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  16. Pixel
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    Pixel Mixed Golem

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    Im just saying this post may be just a ''i'm gonna be classy and show that if mods wanted to apologize to me us, this is the way to do it, because i definitely think we should be getting an apology from them anytime soon, maybe they just dont know how ''
     
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  17. OP
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    jesscapades
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    jesscapades Pac Pinky

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    I definitely see how my post can be interpreted this way. Just to clear the air, I don't expect any apologies from staff, nor do I think I deserve one. When I feel that way, I have no problem speaking my mind about it (e.g. here).

    I had written a version of this "guide" to send to players who were not on staff--two separate incidents of a player harassing others, then giving bullshit apologies that made the people being harassed feel invalidated. Obviously this post was 100% inspired by all the staff apologies in the sweeper thread, but I didn't post this to spite them or passive aggressively talk shit about them. It was a genuine post. When I wrote it I was thinking of the people I know who have been harassed by other players in this game, and how we often have trouble communicating online due to the lack of face-to-face interaction. I thought it would be helpful, even if it's being meme'd (which I think is super funny and I don't have a problem with), because in the back of people's minds they'll store this information and hopefully make use of it should they ever need it.
     
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  18. sowatermelon
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    sowatermelon Mano

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    Thanks for this Jess! :heart: I would like to add that it would be unwise to start an apology this way: "I'm sorry you feel that way (e.g. felt offended, hurt, upset)" b/c then you're not apologizing for your actions & you're not taking ownership for the hurt you've caused. :cross::cross::cross:

    What you're doing is shifting the blame and issue onto the person you're apologizing to, thereby saying it's their fault for being over sensitive/emotional for feeling "that way". This is a classic non-apology apology. Don't do this yall, unless... ya nasty MapleF3 Follow the pro-tip by owning up & acknowledging hurt caused instead.
     
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  19. welch123
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    welch123 King Slime

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    apologizing is admission of mistake/guilt. which is really bad!! always deny deny deny.
     
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  20. S_tieralbum
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    S_tieralbum Brown Teddy

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    this is fucking hilarious to me tbh

    so civil
     

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