Something I need to share

Today is a day that I remember as a day that I wrote down my feeling, a day than I decided to show myself.

My name is Sander I'm 17 Years old and I'm from the Netherlands.

I was born on the 19th August 1997 in Haarlem - Noord Holland.
The moment I opened my eyes I knew I came to the right place, I didn't know what happened to me that day but pictures showed me that there was a loving family who decided to greet me and welcome me back to earth.

I saw my father and my mother all my grandparents, we were sitting on a bed all together and I was laying in the arm of my mother, a woman who I can proudly call my mother.

After the first years since I was born I developed so much love for my family and I can't really life without them. I went to school for the first time my parents brought me to school and were happy when they brought me there and they saw me playing with other kids and that made me happy. I wasn't always the best in school, whenever I look back to that time I know that I could do way better but sadly I didn't do that.

School wasn't always the happiest place for me, I wasn't also the most popular kid and sadly I got bullied a few times, but from time to time I still look back and I know that, that school made me for who I'm today. I had so much fun there but sadly also some sad moments.

When I was 6 years old my parents decided to divorce, we were sitting in the livingroom and my parents told to me and my brother that they were going to divorce, me and my brother were sitting on the lab of our parents crying, mostly me ofcourse. From that day something changed in my life... I didn't really knew who I was... I had so much anger and I was scared, for what? I don't know.. One day on Christmas Eve' I didn't felt well... I missed my father.

On that day something else changed aswell, I went to my father on Christmas Eve and he welcomed me and I had an amazing night. I stayed with my father for the next 5 days and then I went to my mother again, my parents had a rule that we also stayed at my mother but also at my father. My parents saw that I struggled with the divorce and they decided to sent me to a psychologist after 6 months of talking, like twice a week as so far I can remember the doctor told us that I had ADHD. I cried on that day, because I felt I was handicapped or something, but I can tell you that having ADHD is something great.

On school I told my friends in the restroom that I had ADHD and from that day I also took medicines to focus. Since I was 6 until the age of 13-14 I went weekly to the psychologist. I still remember the days when me and my brother were sitting on the top of the staircase, and I heard my father and my mother arguing in the kitchen with the door closed.... They were screaming so loud... My father had an busy job and when the divorce came he decided to slow it down with his job and he wanted to be their for us, and I can want to thank him for that, because he is the best dad I can ever wish for.

The moment I went to high school, I was bullied again and I also had a struggle with studying and in the third year I decided to switch school, and that decision made me so happy that I can almost cry from happiness.

The first year on my second new high school, was pretty difficult, I had to find my way and I was also bullied.. I know I have to admit that I'm not the easiest person to deal with and I also sometimes asked for it to get bullied (not literally but you know what I mean). The second year was great I found my way and I made great new friends and I almost never got bullied. The years that followed on that school were great but than last year on 7 May 2015 I received bad news. Michael, a man who was there for me and my brother since the divorce got a hearth attack.. But on the moment that happened I had exams and I was studying like hell.. At first the news didn't reach me... But than after my exams while I was tired like hell it reached me, I saw him laying in the hospital bed sleeping... It felt weird when I was there, I didn't felt comfortable at that moment.

Since that day I went downhill, I thaught about the dead and sickness and what will happen when you will die.

Those things made me felt into a depression I had suicidal thoughts and I didn't wanted to life anymore.. Daily I have thoughts about the dead and the question am I sick? Or will I get sick?

I got sent to the Youth crisis trauma center, where I went to multiple psychologists who helped me a lot, I couldn't sleep and still today I feel like what am I doing here and who am I..

I had bad times, I couldn't find happiness anymore and still today for that that's every difficult for me to find happiness, but I have to admit it's going better with me.

My restore went with ups and downs, the people around me thought I was faking it and that I'm playing a drama queen. But I have to say sometimes I did that, but they fair was real.

That day also made me wanted to change, I love my family way more and I respect way more people now. I want to thank my parents, my sister and my brother , and also Michael and any other person who helped me with my situation. I can be a dick sometimes and I can irritate people very much but I want to say that I don't mean those things.

Since last year August I am studying IT and I have to say that I don't really love IT.. everyday a PC infront of over the past 8 Years 7-8 hours a day.. I was thinking do I want to spent my future like this? I was like no.. There are way more nicer things in life than this stupid screen. I have to say that I am tired from the past 11 years and I never really got the moment to take a rest for these feelings, and memories and thoughts.

Still today I have the feeling what am I doing here, will I get sick or something? How's dead and I don't want lose my family members..

Whenever I feel something strange in my body I always think that I might me sick

I am tired....

I want to say that these last years changed me, I respect every human being and I learned way more other things.

I want to thank Michael for supporting me since I was 6, but also my father who is the best one in the world, he sacrificed so much things for me and my brother. My mother is also the best she's the one who thaught me many things about life and she raised me with so much love. Thank you'll!

I do not know what's going to happend the next 100 years but I know they are going to be amazing.

Loves.

Sander